I woke up today thinking that this day is just like an ordinary day, I immediately took a bathe and prepare myself for work, I usually kiss my mom on the forehead before leaving the house but as I was walking out the door.
Mom: aalis ka na? (are you leaving?)
Me: opo baka ma-late ako sa office (yes, I might be late for work)
Mom: lika muna dito (come here first)
I was thinking she will just ask me to do some errands and stuffs, as I got closer she gave me a very tight hug. I was speechless and teary eyed... As you can see my relationship with my mom got weakened after I told her my HIV status, she was so mad at me that she said some very hurtful things to me before and our conversations regarding my health always leads to a fight. As I remember the last time she hugged me was on my 23rd birthday, I am already 24, turning 25 this year. That hug means a lot to me, it pushes to fight even more. I do love my mom very much and I had forgiven her already. I am just praying that one day things will be back to normal with us.
2013 is almost here, but let me share you my top 5 unforgettable experience this 2012.
5. Losing a friend - I've met him late December of 2010, instantly we clicked, we were constantly communicating through twitter, and just this year he passed away. He was such a good friend. I miss him...
4. Promotion - I have always been frustrated about my career, this promotion is truly a blessing.
3. Birthday - One of the most memorable birthday experience is celebrating with my twitter friend. I am happy that I was able to meet this wonderful people.
2. Cd4 - After being stuck to 300, my cd4 finally went up to 647, this one is really a surprise, because of my stressful work environment I didn't expect it to go up like this. I am very thankful.
1. Family and Boyfriend - My family doesn't talk about my relationship or even my orientation but I was surprised when they took the initiative to get to know my partner, we even had lunch the day my partner went abroad. Slowly they are starting to accept our relationship.
My partner went home on the day of our anniversary, even though he was just staying here for a short while, he never fails to make me happy. Its been 3months since he left and I miss him so badly.
Overall this year was great, I am very thankful to God for giving me a very understanding doctor, a stable job, a wonderful friends, a supportive family, and a loving boyfriend. Looking forward to a better 2013.
It's been 7 months since I had my last check up, my doctor in PGH barely recognizes me. I was so busy with work that I cant find time for my follow up check up. Last month I turned 24 at the same time I had my cd4 extraction, I am very vocal that what I want for my birthday is having my cd4 reach 500, I always do pray about it. My cd4 is always in a fluctuating manner, it goes up but goes down again after the next extraction.
Here's the trend.
August 2010- 443
February 2011- 297
August 2011- 334
March 2012- 326
Frustrating right?! LOL!
So yesterday I had my follow up check up, the usual, my doctor check my heart, my lungs, my neck for lymph nodes, mouth for cank sores, eyes for what ever. hehehe... Thankfully she didn't saw anything wrong. For my cd4 results, she just stared at me and asked what my last cd4 count is, I was nervous, I asked her if it decreases, she was just silent and handed me over my results. I can't believe what I saw so I check if it really was mine, I checked the code number and it is mine. I was so happy! Finally my wish came true, my cd4 as of october 2012 was 647!!!! I prayed and thank GOD for all his blessings. :)
The month of June came and my promotion is official. I used to work 2 jobs but now I want to focus on one, I've been working on this company for a almost a year, I used to work as a part timer since I don't like to be tied up in one company but since my boss noticed my potential she offered me regularization with the compensation I demanded at first I was hesitant but after thinking hard I decided to accept it, to my surprise the offer wasn't only for regularization, I am promoted as one of the senior employee's of the company, there are people who were working for the company for years but still my boss chose me. I am happy with the blessings I am receiving from GOD, I've finally proven to my mom that my life is going on the right path despite the virus. My work schedule is kinda crazy but I think I can manage. :)
Its been a while since the last entry, so many things has happened, got promoted from work, my partner finally arrived. Everything is going well until depression strikes again. I will be hibernating from twitter for a while, I need to fix some issues with myself, I also want to focus my attention to my partner. I'll be back once everything falls into their rightful place. Till then... Take care guys!
I went to S.A.G.I.P-PGH yesterday to have my check up, to get my cd4 results and have my meds refill. Since sagip is on going some changes, new nurse, new doctor its like I'm starting all over again. I arrived around 1pm, its the first time I saw sagip with more than 5 people, usually when I go there I don't see anyone. Anyways the usual I knocked on the door and asked for my doctor, since I have a new doctor I forgot what her name was and gave my student number instead, in fairness to nurse karen, she is very nice and accommodating but since she is new she only knew me by my student number, so she let me wait outside then after a few minutes she let me in, she checked my blood pressure, my temperature, then she put something in my finger I really don't know what that's for, finally my weight, from 70kilos I now weigh 66kilos, I'm so happy I lost weight, I've been on a diet this past few days, thank god it payed off, then I told her that I was also gonna refill my meds, a few days before a friend from twitter tweeted that there isn't enough meds for our cocktail, and I confirmed that he was right, I was only given 15days supply of lamivudine and tenofovir, but I was given a bottle of efavirenz, the mass supply of meds will be delivered on the 3rd week of april so I think there is no reason to worry. After that I have to wait outside again for my doctor, to tell you honestly I wasn't so thrilled about the new doctor thing, I like my old doctor very much. When she came nurse karen introduced me to her, I was a bit shy but she is really nice, like my old doctor I can feel that she cares for me, she asked some question about my family, how am I coping, etc... The conversation when on and on, I found out that like my old doctor her pre-med course is my college degree, we had something in common. So its time for my cd4 results, my last cd4 as of august 2011 is 334, and my current cd4 is 326, it dropped 8points but it didn't really bothers me, I feel fine and I know someday I will be able to reach the 500 level. :)
You caught me completely off guard, I never saw you coming, the next thing I know you are already in my body and I have to live with you for the rest of my life. Accepting you is not easy. You broke my heart, you made me cry, you shattered my dreams, you even destroyed my relationship with my mom. How can a very tiny thing manage to broke many peoples hearts? Sooner or later a cure will be found, and you won't be able to hurt anybody anymore.
I admit for a while I let you took over, you even had me on my knees but things will be different now. I won't let you take over again, I will take charge from now on. Living with you won't be a nightmare anymore, with the medication I have, you can now be controlled. HIV will be living with me not the other way around. Slowly I will be able to achieve my dreams, and you can't do anything about it. You will remain my darkest little secret.
I met Dr. Zamora in July of 2010 at PGH, she's been my doctor ever since and now she is leaving S.A.G.I.P - PGH. Dr. Zamora isn't like any doctor she is very friendly, sincere and you can always depend on her. I remember the last time we talked she told me to take care of myself and I have to be a good boy from now on, I admit I am "pasaway" most of the time, but I am not stubborn I just like to live my life the way I want it. Sorry doc! With the disease that I have I think its really important that you have a strong connection with your doctor. I can share anything to her about my life, family, career, love life, even my sex life, she just listen without any judgement, she even met my mom and my partner, she is very supportive. She guided me in this journey, she is one of the reason why I am still healthy, for a year and seven months she took care of me. I cannot thank her enough. I am really sad that she's not going to be my doctor anymore, I feel that I am also losing a friend. She is one of the few people that understands my personality. I will surely miss her. If ever you read this doc THANK YOU! I promise to be good from now on. You're the BEST! I will miss you. :)
Today I am reminded of how my journey begun, my struggles and sacrifices, and how far I've grown since then. At a young age I had to face HIV, live with HIV. Living a normal life is tough, living with HIV is tougher! I am thankful of having to wake up every day and continue to aim for my goals in life. Its been two years now and I'm very happy of who I've become today, I've helped a few people and hopefully inspire more. I just realized my life will never be normal but it can be next to normal. I consider this day as my second birthday.
This heart is still beating! Just keep on breathing guys. :)
Its been 3 months and 16 days since he left... I miss him... sa isip ko mabilis lang naman ang araw, ilang tulog lng magkakasama na ulit kami. I kept myself busy as in career mode talaga! subsob sa trabaho kahit sunday nagwowork ako, para hindi ko siya masyado maisip, para iwas landi na din. lol! madaming temptation sa paligid. hahaha... Hanggang landi lng naman ako. I know my limitations. Minsan namimiss ko ung kakulitan nya, para kasing bata yun, mahilig mang asar pero asar talo naman. Nakakamiss din ung paglalambing nya sobrang maalaga pa, feeling ko isa akong princess, teka ang landi ko na. lol! weird pala magsulat in tagalog. Anyways... Monthsary namin ngayon, kung ilang months na kami I'm not sure. Nangyari nalang kasi bigla. Its my first long distance relationship, hirap pala lalo na ung time zone pag umaga dito gabi doon, I have to wait for his call para lang makapagusap kami, there are times pa na bihira siya tumawag dahil busy but my love for him is still the same, I text him more than 5x everyday, kahit puro I love you lang laman ng message. Sa totoo lang I never felt this way sa isang tao. The good thing about our relationship is it did not start on sex, and it isn't based on sex, we're contented with hugging and kissing lang, basta magkasama lng kami. I think of him as my knight in shinning armor, nadami akong natutunan sa kanya, my life got better. I'm very HAPPY na nakilala ko cia, may mga plans na kami for our future. I know same sex relationships doesn't always have a happy ending, sooner or later they end up going separate ways pero hindi naman cguro masamang mangarap na may "Happily Ever After" kaming dalawa. Good vibes lng dapat. hehehe... Bawal ang nega. In a few months makikita na kita ulit. Excited na ako. Happy Monthsary! I love you! and I miss you!
What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin' for the phone to ring
It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don't even wanna be in this town
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I'll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I've been keepin' busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jet lagged
I miss you so bad [x5]
I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sunrising
I miss you so bad
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss when you say good morning
But it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
Time flies so fast, in a few hours 2011 is over...
My 2011 started rough but along the way it got really better. This year I started my medication, experienced some nasty side effects. Got employed after more than a year break, after 3 months got promoted, now I'm working on 2 or more jobs. I experienced heartbreak to falling in love again. I met some wonderful people on twitter. Overall it was good. Life is full of surprises, you'll never know what tomorrow brings. Enjoy life.
This 2012 I promise to live more, breathe more and love more. I also promise to be a good brother and good son to my parents. I will drink my meds on time, as in sakto sa oras! no more delays. I will follow my doctor na, hindi na ako magiging pasaway. hehehe... Will also work hard, I will avoid being late, sana naman kasi ndi na traffic. :) In a few months I will be spending my 2nd anniversary as poz kasabay ang Cd4 at Viral Load, excited na ako. At syempre excited na din ako sa pagbabalik ni partner. I Love You and always will. I Miss You so much! Happy New Year my baby. I could not ask for more.
I just want to thank all the people who listened to my story, laughed with me, tweet with me and fought with me in this battle.
Good Bye 2011, Hello 2012! Thank you!
Happy New Year Guys! Cheers to life! This Heart is Still Beating!
Last Sunday I went to the love yourself photo-shoot. I already had 2 photo-shoot in past month, one for yoga for life and another for the project headshot clinic. Feeling model! LOL! The love yourself group was very accommodating, they were very friendly. I met ako_si_bong during the photo-shoot, he was nice. After registering I immediately change shirt and proceed to make up, while waiting someone talk to me, I don't even know who he was but he is very madaldal and very friendly, the conversation started when he asked me if I am single or committed. I am already taken. :) He asked about my previous relationship, I shared some info, feeling close lng ako. He also went to the yoga for life Christmas party but unfortunately I wasn't there because I was sick. Then it was my turn to have my photo taken, I was nervous. Ndi naman tlga ako sanay magpapicture! lol! after I'm done the conversation went on and I still don't know who he was, until someone introduced him, to my surprise the person I am talking to is the author of Manily Gay Guy! MGG was very nice, the love yourself group were all very nice. He gave me his calling card. Then next day I added MGG on facebook and the following day he followed me on my twitter poz account. He already knew who I was. I don't know how but it's okay. hehehe... I have no problem in disclosing but I still choose to whom will I tell my status, I still need to protect my family and my partner. Overall it was a very nice experience. If my schedule permits I would definitely volunteer myself to the group. I hope I got a good picture. Till next time! :)
I celebrated my birthday this month, a simple celebration with a few close friends, my family and few relatives. I was very happy. Early morning of my birthday my mom came to my room to greet me, to my surprise it wasn't only a verbal greeting she hugged me and she told me that she loves me very much, blaming efavirenz I was a bit groggy so I didn't had a chance to react properly I said thank you and slept again. It was such a nice feeling, finally my mom is beginning to accept me, accept me with this virus. My life has never been this great, health-wise, career-wise, love-wise. Even though there were a few problems that comes my way I am still happy and thankful, I don't need a lot of people around me, all I need are my friends, my family and "J". By the way "J" is another story, I will post an entry of his own. So far so great! I am very thankful with what GOD has given me.
I had my CD4 extracted last august 16 at PGH, yeah at PGH! Finally we won't have to go to RITM or SACCL for the extraction. It's my 3rd time to have my CD4 extracted I was a bit nervous because the last time I lost 146 count, very heartbreaking. Since then I started my ARV not a very nice beginning but it got better, my body became at ease with my meds. My schedule was very hectic but I manage to squeeze in the scheduled extraction. I work 6x a week. Sunday was my only day off and they don't have any schedule but on weekdays. The extraction was still the same process as the others, but the only thing I noticed is that ate Cellene's tummy got bigger, shes pregnant, its been a while since I visited PGH, I was busy with work so I asked someone to get my meds and my last check up was May.
I ask my doctor if I can get my results early in the morning, and she agreed. I waited 3weeks for the result... September 6, I had my check up around 6:30 in the morning. I love my doctor she's very accommodating and nice, I can always count on her. I was very excited... I went to PGH with someone. The usual I waited on the bench then Dr. Rose arrived, we went to sagip unit, the usual check up had a few chat and then she showed my result. My CD4 only increased by 33 points, she knew I wasn't that happy, I mean it was okay, only okay, but she said that Viral Load is more important than CD4 so I had hope the only problem was there is no VL in PGH I have to do it in RITM and its worth 6,000 pesos! 6,000 PESOS!!! Sad to say it's not covered by Phil Health. I think I'll take it on December, hopefully my ARV are really working.
The only constant thing in this world is change and I feel that I'm strong enough to face the upcoming changes in my life, good or bad, I am ready. In this world relationship of the same sex is really complicated, some couple had their stories of Fairy Tale and some don't, as for me it didn't, my LOVE STORY ENDED. As much I want to tell you the reasons why we broke up I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and move on with my life. I am FINE, don't worry. Another change that happened lately is WORK, I am now employed, I've been waiting for this for a very long time. The work given to me was very challenging but I am in control, I will be handling several departments, this is new to me but I know I can do this, they are expecting a lot from me and I won't let them down. My daily routine wouldn't be the same as before but I am okay with that. I AM EXCITED! As far as my Health is concerned I am now on my 5th month of ARV I feel "NORMAL" not much of a big deal. I still prioritized my Health above all. Health is Wealth as they say it. Good things comes for people who wait but act on it. A lot of things has happened lately, the right mixture of good and bad but in general I am feeling GREAT! One by one things are falling into their rightful place, I know I am heading on the right track.
Let me share you a song written and sung by Nar Carbico, this song is about HOPE, I always feel that there is more to life than HIV, HIV doesn't stop you from living and achieving you're dreams, it's not too late to dream, as long as your heart is still beating there's HOPE! Thank you Nar for this beautiful song!!! Namaste!
Fly A Kite is a song I wrote for my friends and loved ones who are living with HIV. This is my gift to them. And I dedicate this to everyone who are infected/affected by HIV in one way or another. They need our love and support. -Nar Cabico
Been very busy lately I work 7x a week, that's business, no time for myself, lots of stress (good stress) but I made my mom very happy so im okay with it, the only problem is im still under paid... lol!!!. Finally I got hired (again) hopefully (crossing my fingers) this time I won't encounter any problems to my employment. My work starts in july so I have plenty of time to keep myself healthy, will get back to the gym in june, I keep on gaining weight I am now 65kg, 8-10kg more than my usual weight blame it on the ARV's I can't stop eating. hahahaha!!! I've been really doing great lately, never been sick this past months, I think the ARV is working, hopefully, my next CD4 extraction is on august so let's see what happens. I need to reward myself from all the hard work maybe a massage or something. :-)
It's been a while since I posted something here, I'm just busy with LIFE. My doctor changed my meds to lamivudine, tenofovir and efavirenz I'm on my 2nd month with this combination, SO FAR SO GOOD! I can tolerate sa dizziness caused by efavirenz. In my last post I lost my job due some issues I encountered when I'm starting my medications, funny because I haven't really started my work and I'm already fired. So now I am really having hard time setting my priorities at the moment. I've been job hunting for a few months now, still no luck! I always made it to the final interview but still not getting the position, I've tried applying for a entry level position but still no luck, maybe it wasn't really for me, I know I sucked at interviews, my nerves gets the best of me so I end up stuttering, I need to practice more and try again until I hit the jackpot. My dad keeps telling that I should help in our business instead, my family has two business and its quite stable as a matter of fact I will live without having to work but I am not satisfied with that kind of living, I need a self fulfillment I need to grow as a person. Having to work under my parent is very difficult for me we have different ways of running a business, they are more old school, they have a hard time adopting to change. I'm still indecisive of which career path am going to take, to work or to pursue business? I need a sign. LOL! I need to stable financially so I can prepare for the future.
Most of you think people living with HIV are strong, yes we are, it would really take a lot of strength to live every day for the rest of our lives. I think I am but sometimes I find a need to wore a mask, fake a smile, a laughter just to hide what I am feeling, It's not because I'm not being true to myself, I just need too! So that the people around me wouldn't worry too much, most especially my family, they have no idea what I am going through, I wish I could just tell them but I can't, not right now, I need to wait for the right moment. I never expected this journey to be easy but I know I am strong enough to handle it, my best friend's A and M didn't had any clue that I was going through something like this until I told them, they were shocked but they didn't let me see a tear fall from their eyes, they always act strong in front of me but I know they are worried, I wanted everything to be normal, I don't want people to treat me like a sick or a dying person, I don't want to have limitations, I don't want to limit my life, I just want it to live the way I want it although I know I can't live it carelessly, especially at this moment where my body is at a fragile state. I am very scared but I am confident that through this battle GOD and the people that loves me will be always by my side, they are my armor they prevent me from getting wounded. I maybe a warrior but I am also just a child...
I fall... I cry... I get defeated... my enemy has already got me on my knees but I will always have the courage to stand up and fight!
The moment my doctor asked me if I am ready for medication, I said YES, thinking I am ready for it. The arv's comes with a packeage of side effects, I am experiencing some: head ache, nausea, vomitting, muscle pains and fever, i am feeling really uncomfortable. I am emotionally prepared for this but realizing physically I am not, I have low pain tolerance, I am not used in experiencing this kind of physical pain. VERY DISCOMFORTING. Since I am experiencing this side effects I asked the HR is I can delay my work for a few days to help me body adjust more to the medicines, I had to lie and I told them I have flu, after a few hour they responed, they are postponing my employment because they don't think I'm "FIT TO WORK", I felt sad, VERY DEPRESSING! I don't think they will still hire me, I don't want to lose hope but I am really feeling low. Iv'e been back and forth to pgh to have my check up, also I had to do series of lab test, the results were all normal so my doctor know the caused of my fever. She asked me if I difficulty in swallowing I replied yes, she asked me to open my mouth, she looked into it, she asked another doctors opinion: "IT'S HERPES"....... WHAT THE FUCK?? HERPES!!! I don't think herpes has a cure. I just want to disappear from that moment. So I was given another set of meds, antiviral meds. now I am depressed and I feel a little bit of discomfort. I am so close to being broke! I feel so sad that not even sex and porn can make me happy. I hope things will be better soon, I am not used to this. I really need a tight HUG! :-(
