Remembering 2012

2013 is almost here, but let me share you my top 5 unforgettable experience this 2012.

5. Losing a friend - I've met him late December of 2010, instantly we clicked, we were constantly communicating through twitter, and just this year he passed away. He was such a good friend. I miss him...

4. Promotion - I have always been frustrated about my career, this promotion is truly a blessing.

3. Birthday - One of the most memorable birthday experience is celebrating with my twitter friend. I am happy that I was able to meet this wonderful people.

2. Cd4 - After being stuck to 300, my cd4 finally went up to 647, this one is really a surprise, because of my stressful work environment I didn't expect it to go up like this. I am very thankful.

1. Family and Boyfriend - My family doesn't talk about my relationship or even my orientation but I was surprised when they took the initiative to get to know my partner, we even had lunch the day my partner went abroad. Slowly they are starting to accept our relationship.

My partner went home on the day of our anniversary, even though he was just staying here for a short while, he never fails to make me happy. Its been 3months since he left and I miss him so badly.


Overall this year was great, I am very thankful to God for giving me a very understanding doctor, a stable job, a wonderful friends, a supportive family, and a loving boyfriend. Looking forward to a better 2013.

Happy New Year! :)

Another Year

I celebrated my birthday this month, a simple celebration with a few close friends, my family and few relatives. I was very happy. Early morning of my birthday my mom came to my room to greet me, to my surprise it wasn't only a verbal greeting she hugged me and she told me that she loves me very much, blaming efavirenz I was a bit groggy so I didn't had a chance to react properly I said thank you and slept again. It was such a nice feeling, finally my mom is beginning to accept me, accept me with this virus. My life has never been this great, health-wise, career-wise, love-wise. Even though there were a few problems that comes my way I am still happy and thankful, I don't need a lot of people around me, all I need are my friends, my family and "J". By the way "J" is another story, I will post an entry of his own. So far so great! I am very thankful with what GOD has given me.

World Aids Day Celebration

Its my first time to celebrate World Aids Day as a Pozzie. I joined yoga for life's WAD and  together with their 6th monthsary celebration. We had a special kirtan session, there were lighted candles formed in a ribbon, where we were in circle around it sitting in our yoga mats. This year's theme was "Light for Rights" HIV rights is HUMAN RIGHTS, we have the same rights as people who are not living with HIV. We pozzie's are just like any other human being, we are still normal, we can do all the things that a normal being can, the difference is we just have to take care of ourselves more.

We begun the celebration by the alternate nostril breathing followed by 9 sun salutation, and then we sang different songs and at the end of every song someone can share anything she/he likes. Someone spoke up disclosing his status, i was a bit teary eyed, I was saying to myself what a brave guy, then another person also shared his, i was just listening and trying to absorb what they was saying, there are about 6 person who share their story before I had the guts to speak up. So I told my story... First I told them how I was negative in December 2009 and came up positive in February 2010, due to memory problems I asked my ex bf to support me with my story telling, I really don't want to cry but I can't help it, I was really in pain because my mom couldn't accept me, she called me a "sex pervert" and she thinks my life is a BIG MESS, she always tells me to fix my life and not to enter another relationship because of my condition. I was in tears while sharing my story in front of people I don't even know (parang tanga lang!) , then someone spoke up about privacy, that disclosing someone else status is against the law, that the stories shared on that room will remain on that room. I remembered the pozzie who disclosed my status and shared it to them, I hoped they will be very careful to whom they share their secrets with. I think 9 or 10 people shared their story, I am very lucky to have witnessed an event like this. 

Overall I was very happy, I was happy I was brave enough to spoke up, I was happy that the people in the room accepted me, I was very very happy... some people gave me a hug after the session, I felt very much loved. We finished the celebration with a vegetarian dinner, not really a fan of veggies, but I know I have to eat because its good for me, honestly the food didn't really taste like vegetables the food was really good.

For me yoga for life wasn't just a community or a place to do yoga, I felt like I belong to a "family" like what I always said to my fellow pozzie's "family tayo kc magka-dugo naman tayo", yoga for life is a place where you can be free of judgement, just pure acceptance no matter what age, gender or HIV status you have.  Everyone is welcome in YFL. Thank you YFL! Thank you charmaine, paulo, the core group and to everyone at YFL! One big Hug! More power!

BTW! congrats to charmaine and his husband... cheers to the adorable couple!

To all the pozzie's out there, it's not the end of life, don't give up, always remember that your heart is still beating.

And one last thing... someone kissed me that night, nothing intimate just a smack on the lips. Want to know who? nah.. secret! :P

21 NO MORE!

I am now officially 22, and I have HIV!

Nothing special, the whole family is busy with campaigning so prior to that I planned to attend Yoga for Life at makati with my BF and BFF, it's our first time to attend YFL at makati, the place was different, the crowd was different although i see familiar faces who also attend the Wednesday group. Since it's my birthday I was the center of attention, the yogi's are very vocal about it. I was shy, I really don't like to be the center of attention, I was blushing, then the practice begun, they have this thing where you will do numbers of "sun salutations" corresponding to the celebrants age, it was very nice although it was very tiring, I can see others getting tired already, i felt a bit guilty but as a treat I baked brownies for them to eat afterward. Overall I was happy! Even though others are complete strangers and some who I already knew, they made my day special, especially Mr. Yogi who is always gives me a warm hug, lucky.trese was also there, finally after exchanging text messages and chatting on ym I finally got the chance to met him (sorry I was shy, never got the chance to really bond with you). Yoga was awsome!

After yoga, myself, bf, and bff went to MOM&TINA'S to have our early dinner, the food was great, we got the chance to bond again, the three of us are really close. While eating, BF received a text message from a friend asking if he had tested for HIV, because his friend told him that him that his partner(me) is POZ, I know this person has no bad intentions, he was just concerned with his friend(my bf) so I didn't really mind that because it's my birthday and I don't want to ruin it. The next day I asked some people who knew my status, if they told anybody about it...

To be continued...

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

No ARV's for me yet

Last Wednesday me and my best friend went to PGH to have my check up and to start my ARV, i woke up 10am, took a shower, went to the bank then rushed off to the meeting place where my best friend is waiting. My best friend know about my status and she's positive about it, i didn't saw her cry not even one drop of tear, she just told me that we will conquer the world together. I brought her with me so that Dra. Z can educate her about what's happening to me. We arrived at exactly 1pm at SAGIP unit, there are many patients so we sat on the chair in the corridors, after a few minutes I knocked in the usual closed door of the room, a familiar face opened the doctor it wasn't nurse C, i was just staring trying to figure out who he was, he was staring also, then i saw nurse C and ask for Dra. Z, she told me to wait outside, then i figured out who he was, he was a guy who  i exchanged messages in planetromeo, i immediately texted him and then a few minutes he came out then sat next to me, after introducing ourselves, he gave me an intro about the med's I'm going to take because I was going to start my treatment on that day, then we shook hands he went back into the room, he was accompanying people who's gonna get tested for HIV (i hope they turn out negative). Then Dra. Z passed by,  I said "hi" she didn't notice me because I have a shorter hair. We walked into the room and checked me up, the usual she asked me how am I doing, she got my weight (58kg) checked my neck, etc... I am losing weight so she ask me to eat more. I told her I brought my best friend, I asked if she can come in, she said yes, a few intro and questions then she went out to get my med, after a few minutes she went back said "hindi ka pa magstart ng treatment hindi ako pinayagan ng consultant ko, nagtitipid kami ng gamot, saka mataas pa naman daw cd4(443) mo, ang next kuha mo ng cd4 sa feb, mag follow up check up ka na lang sa december ". I got confused because three weeks ago she was so sure that I am starting my treatments because of the new guidelines, now i don't know if this is a good or bad news. I just said okay and my check up is done, doc asked me to go out of the room so she can talk to my best friend after 10mins there done, 2:30pm we said goodbye to doc. I was hungry so we went to rob's ermita to eat, we also ask another friend to follow. We ate at pancake house then watched a movie, it was fun bonding with them, i was happy that my best friend knows about my status, she's very supportive, she texted me every to eat fruit, vegetables or to sleep early. She said we were like kris aquino and eric quizon in the movie "so happy together" or like "will and grace". I'm just so happy that our friendship became stronger than ever. Now I have my BF's to support me, my boy friend and my best friend, I am so BLESSED to have them.