Pebrero Trese

February 13, 2010 the day that changed my life forever. I can still remember how it all begun...

It was the thirteenth of February, the day before Valentine's Day. It was a Saturday, after having my rapid test last December 2009 (which came out non-reactive) I decided to have my follow up test so my (ex)partner (who is my partner that time), and I together with another bisexual friend V went to PGH to have our HIV test. V has a family, a wife and a son, he is very scared thinking he has HIV due to his past sexual encounters. We arrived at PGH around 1pm, Dr. L who has a study about HIV was the one who conducted the test. I was just normal, I wasn't scared, I was just thinking it's gonna be negative so let's get this over with. I volunteered first, my (ex)partner, then my friend V same procedures after a few questions from Dr. L we had our blood samples tested. After another questioning as a group, he asked us to go outside and one by one he will disclose the results as usual I went in first, I sat in front of him he handed me the rapid test kit and asked "what do you think is the result?" I replied "I don't know" and immediately he said "it's positive" right then and there I died, I was shaking, "para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig" and I asked my (ex)partner's results "what about *****?, what about *****?" thank God he's negative, he was trying to calm me down but I was really shaking not crying just shaking while embracing myself, he was telling me things but I can't really understand it, my mind was completely blanked, i could have screamed but my friend was outside and I don't want him to know, and my (ex)partner as well so I calmed myself and went outside, my (ex)partner was next on his way in I got the chance to hold his hand and I squeezed it real tight. Outside V was trying to talk to me, I tried my best to remain calm acting like everything was fine and I was non-reactive. After all of us were done, we decided to get something to eat, I was just quiet, my (ex)partner was thinking I was acting weird I just smiled at him back, we entered a fast food chain I just sat down and ask him to order something for me, I really couldn't eat, I was not myself, I wanted to scream and cry but I can't, while eating I received a text message from my (ex)partner asking if I am alright, I replied with the news "I am reactive" looking at his face while reading my text, he was shocked, his smile turned into a frown, both of us didn't finished our meal, we still tried to act normal in front of our friend. After eating we said goodbye to our friend, both not ourselves we sat down in the sidewalk both staring at a blank space. I told him I will go back to Dr. L to have my blood extracted for the confirmation test, we hurried back but Dr.L was in a meeting and can't accommodate in that moment so we agreed to come back later in the afternoon. My (ex)partner asked me to come with him in his house, the moment we got into his room I cried, I broke down, I was dying... he was crying also, but he remained strong for me, telling me that there is still a chance for me to be non-reactive. He was tracing back were I get it from, but I was just crying... our relationship just turned 2months that time, he just hugged me the whole time trying to be positive about it, looking at a brighter side but I was still covered in darkness, I did question God why, but I never blamed him for what happened. Then we head back to PGH to had my blood extracted.

My confirmation test still came out REACTIVE... and so my life begins... at the age of 21 I am HIV positive, and my (ex)partner remained non-reactive. :)

That moment changed my life, its very funny because I wasn't even that promiscuous during those time, I had less than 10 sex encounters, this just means that one unsafe encounter and you can be at risk of having HIV.

Writing this post made me realized that I had already moved on, I had accepted my fate, I am still the same person just stronger. I am still here... ALIVE! My heart is still beating...