Im a Working Boy

Been very busy lately I work 7x a week, that's business, no time for myself, lots of stress (good stress) but I made my mom very happy so im okay with it, the only problem is im still under paid... lol!!!. Finally I got hired (again) hopefully (crossing my fingers) this time I won't encounter any problems to my employment. My work starts in july so I have plenty of time to keep myself healthy, will get back to the gym in june, I keep on gaining weight I am now 65kg, 8-10kg more than my usual weight blame it on the ARV's I can't stop eating. hahahaha!!! I've been really doing great lately, never been sick this past months, I think the ARV is working, hopefully, my next CD4 extraction is on august so let's see what happens. I need to reward myself from all the hard work maybe a massage or something. :-)

THIS HEART IS STILL BEATING!

Barrier's UP!

This “thing” in my body is making me vulnerable. All of these emotions are making my life a roller coaster ride! One moment I am happy then one moment I am sad, I think this is what they call “emotion shift”. I am not at ease of showing emotions, I usually hide it, I usually cry when I am all by myself where nobody can hear/see me, I hate it when somebody see cry, I felt like I am less of a person. Growing up I have to be emotionally self-supporting, I never really felt how to be loved, my parent’s are always too busy, although they make time for us, there were favoritism, I never really felt like I am important, most of my SPECIAL DAYS are just ignored. I have to be strong to survive, this is why some people misinterpret me as a cold hearted person, showing emotions is just too difficult. For me emotions are investments, I want to invest it were it will grow into something good. Love is one, but now I find it hard to invest in love, knowing that I have “it” people might reject me, unless it’s a poz to poz relationship, but still, I can’t handle anymore drama as of now, too stressful not good for my health.

So now, I’m putting my barriers up! A strong and sturdy wall so no one can hurt me.

21 NO MORE!

I am now officially 22, and I have HIV!

Nothing special, the whole family is busy with campaigning so prior to that I planned to attend Yoga for Life at makati with my BF and BFF, it's our first time to attend YFL at makati, the place was different, the crowd was different although i see familiar faces who also attend the Wednesday group. Since it's my birthday I was the center of attention, the yogi's are very vocal about it. I was shy, I really don't like to be the center of attention, I was blushing, then the practice begun, they have this thing where you will do numbers of "sun salutations" corresponding to the celebrants age, it was very nice although it was very tiring, I can see others getting tired already, i felt a bit guilty but as a treat I baked brownies for them to eat afterward. Overall I was happy! Even though others are complete strangers and some who I already knew, they made my day special, especially Mr. Yogi who is always gives me a warm hug, lucky.trese was also there, finally after exchanging text messages and chatting on ym I finally got the chance to met him (sorry I was shy, never got the chance to really bond with you). Yoga was awsome!

After yoga, myself, bf, and bff went to MOM&TINA'S to have our early dinner, the food was great, we got the chance to bond again, the three of us are really close. While eating, BF received a text message from a friend asking if he had tested for HIV, because his friend told him that him that his partner(me) is POZ, I know this person has no bad intentions, he was just concerned with his friend(my bf) so I didn't really mind that because it's my birthday and I don't want to ruin it. The next day I asked some people who knew my status, if they told anybody about it...

To be continued...

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

Breathing and Stretching

I've never been so relaxed since I was diagnosed of HIV. Last week I got a message on my FB asking me to join YOGA FOR LIFE, since I was busy I wasn't able to join that week. Today I decided to give it a try, I brought along my BF and my BFF. We arrived at the building at 6:58 as we are waiting for the elevator a friend whom I met at PGH came, he was a regular so didn't we didn't had problem locating the place. I was nervous at first, I'm not really the sociable type, I'm too shy to start conversations, going to a room with people I don't know was scary, good thing I have my BF and BFF with me. We were just standing there when the yoga instructor welcomed us with a handshake, he was very warm, after introducing ourselves he ask us to get some mats and find our place. We just sat there as they explaining the concept of YOGA FOR LIFE, I'm happy that there is a community who helps POZZIES like me. It's the advance monthsary celebration they've been doing YFL for 4months now. We had a small game before we start to do our thing, it was fun, the game is a relay but not in a children party way, we used condoms for the activity its called "LICK" condoms with real flavors, it taste good! The game goes like this, we form a group of two, the first person blows the condom like a balloon then on the end you popped the balloon, you get another condom and put it in the banana fastest group wins and our group won, our price? the banana! They gave away free condoms too. My BF got a lot. hahaha! 

And so the activity starts, first with the proper breathing exercise, followed by some poses and then comes the stretching, I admit I'm not very flexible, I can't even reach my ankles so I really need a lot of help from the yogi's, as the activity goes on I realized that I've been sweating A LOT!!! I had to removed my eyeglasses to be more focused. It felt nice, very nice! I can feel the stress being breathe out of my body, I can feel that I'm getting more and more relaxed, I felt every pain as I stretched my worries away. Every drop of sweat from my body was worth it. Every air I inhaled to my body symbolizes a new hope. At the end of the session I received a HUG from Mr. yogi, I wonder does he know about my status? I'm happy I joined yoga for life. I really need this, I felt like a new person, a happier version of me. I am looking forward to doing more yoga.  We really had fun!

I DECLARE THAT WEDNESDAY IS YOGA DAY! :)

namaste!