My Pride, His Anger

After the break up a lot of things has happened, we tried to talk about it and started dating (again) even if our friends (on both parties) are against it, but they had no choice but to deal with it, this time we are taking things slowly. It's was "okay", not the same as before less emotions involved, but we only made it worst:

• Me going on different dates, him whoring on planetromeo.

• Him spreading my private conversation with my best friend on facebook to his friends, co-workers at the school who happens to be owned by my mom, and to people who I don't even know, also telling the hairdresser of the salon we both go to. As a defense me sending his cybersex conversation to his friends. 

• Exchanged of harsh words, me putting up status on facebook pertaining to him.

• Him getting furious and getting physical (for the 2nd time) but this time I fought back.

THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS IS REALLY UNHEALTHY!

Am I happy for what just happened? NO, but boy did I learned my lessons well. I admit we both crossed the line. After hitting me in the face he had the guts to talked to my mom and got her sympathy, she ask him to stay, now the relationship I'm building up with my mom goes down the drain, again for the nth time my mom thinks I'm a mess. I hope he's happy but this won't last long, I will take back everything he took from me. You cannot blame me for everything, I also fought hard to make this relationship work, I also gave up so many things for him, and I gave everything as much. I'm not coming out clean, I also had my share's of inconsistencies, bad attitudes, stupidity and faults but I can't help but think for a guy who had 15-20 relationships in the past and most are unsuccessful, there must be something wrong. I don't want this to end this way but somehow what just happened made me realized something, that "loving yourself more doesn't mean your selfish". Sadly the best way to end this is to go our separate ways, too many people got involved, as of now it can never be fixed. Thanks to my ex bf I learned to stand up for on my own, to defend myself, I'm not the guy who just keep quiet all the time, no, not anymore.

Now, I am starting my life all over again without him

Single

My 1 year magnetic relationship just ended. I am also hurt but I think this will be the best of the both of us. Enough is enough, we tried so hard but we cant save this relationship anymore. We need to focus on our own lives now. Sorry but I wont shed another tear for you. I will be okay, I hope you are the same.

Status: DISCLOSED

I trust every person who I come out with my HIV status, I don't just come out to everyone because I don't know how will they react to it. Will they accept me? Will they continue to love me? Will they be disgusted? Too many factors is to be considered before telling a person you have HIV. Like what happened with my mom, she had a hard time accepting me, until now she's not 100% comfortable with it, we don't talk about it, she doesn't want me to explain everything to her, she doesn't want me to tell my dad, she doesn't want me to come out of the world because people might be scared, people might not come close or near me, that's how my mom took it, what if it was someone else who doesn't even know me?

Since I start blogging I've been talking or meeting fellow poz, disclosing my true identity is part of it, since they are poz as well I gave them my full trust and respect that my secret will be kept and their secret will be kept also (when someone comes out to me, it remains within me, not even my boyfriend knows about it). Going back to what happened on the day of my birthday, someone (let's call him X) who knows about my status outed me to his friend (let's call him Z), I didn't really mind it until I realized that since I was disclosed as HIV positive, person Z thought that my boyfriend was also HIV positive, there's a stigma attached to my boyfriend. THIS IS NOT GOOD, another person got involved, its like hitting two birds with one stone. 

I just wished that person X think twice before he quacks about someone else status, according Section 3 (b) (2) of Republic Act 8504 or the Philippine Aids Prevention and Control Act of 1998 provides that the right to privacy of individuals with HIV/Aids shall be guaranteed by the state. The damage has been done, maybe this time this issue has been passed to every person they know. This is a very private matter, it can ruin my life, my boyfriend's life and even my family's lives. I'm very hurt by this,  I TRUSTED YOU now it's just hard to trust anybody. I'm going to be more careful from now on. 

You can't turn back time. I just hope you realize now that what you did is wrong.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

2 Heart Break in One Day

Oct 2, 2010
12am

Me and my bf got into a very big fight, i was very stressed, that I end up crying hard and having a nervous breakdown. He immidiately called my mom and rushed into my house with my 2 brothers, my face was very red, I wont stop crying untill my mom was able to calmed me down, she immidiately get my blood pressure and it was 151/127, lucky I didn't get stroked, they wanted to get me to a hospita but I refused, I accidentally I told my mom that I am HIV positive. She just stayed quiet because there are other people waiting outside, she ask me to stay over at our original house, in the morning I texted my mom to say sorry. She said I was a disappointment and a humilation to the family. She also told me that what were I thinking and that I am digging my own grave. I can feel she hates me, she always scolds me during that day, I can feel the tension, I was helpless, I end up crying and passing out again. Im giving my mom more time to accept and understand the situation, looking forward to bring our relationship back.

My bf was very supportive of me that day, he always tells me that he love's me very much, neither do i know he was doing "cyber sex" with 2 guys in the internet. I am more hurt, why did he chose to do those things when I am in a situation like this, I was very hurt, all this time I know he was worried at me, but he's not, he still managed to flirt with other guys when I am left alone in my room crying and longing for love. I don't know what to do anymore. We're going to have our 11th monthsary on oct 8 and our 1st anniversary on november. How will I cope with this.

:(

PS: Im sorry if this isn't making any sense, I lack inspiration to write and Im having trouble expressing how I feel.

A HAPPY MONTHSARY?

Today i woke up crying and very depressed, this was supposed to be a "special day" for us, it's our 10th monthsary. This day was supposed to be happy and full of love. My boyfriend's status=NEGATIVE, thank you GOD! I prayed for months that in his next HIV test he will still be negative, and God answered my prayers. I wanted him to stay negative so I told him i wont have sex with him anymore, i don't want to undergo that process again carrying the guilt that i may or might have infected him. I told him that he can have sex with others instead. CRAZY right? The other night we were having a conversation about his possible sex date on Thursday, they are going to have sex in our house, so i have to sleep in my parents house that night, because his sex date doesn't know he's in a relationship, oh shit! how painful is it to be denied by someone you love? i felt my heart jump off my chest but I just stayed quiet the whole evening. That morning he felt that i was a little cold, not as sweet as i used to be, i was giving him a cold shoulder, my heart was in pain. I was sleeping when he got home i was a little drunk. He started yelling and screaming. He was very angry. He doesn't allow me to drink anymore it's bad for my health. Can you blame me? I wanted to release stress. I just stayed quiet. Then i got a text from my friend asking me to fetch her somewhere in Roxas blvd, she was drunk, no choice i had to go there, bf accompanied me because i was drunk as well but he's not talking the whole trip. After going to Roxas we dropped off my friend at her house and went straight home. Time: 2:30am. He's still mad, i went to him to make "lambing". We talked. Here's the conservation i remembered.

BF: sabihin mo lng kung nasasaktan ka ititigil ko na ito, naguguluhan ako sayo, ikaw naman pumiplit sa akin sa gawin ito tapos ngyn nagkakaganyan ka.

ME: dahil din naman sayo kung bakit ko naisip ito. nalulungkot ako pag tinatanggihan kita, ayoko na kc pagdaan ulit ung nafeel ko nung naghihintay ng 6months window period mo. ang saya saya ko na nung nagnegative ka. saka... I know you you need it and i know you want it. ndi ka naman papayag sa gusto ko kung ayaw mo tlga. tama ba ako?

BF: tama...

ME: see... alam ko gusto mo din kaya wag mo na ako insipin. natatakot lng ako na ma-inlove ka sa kanila at iwan mo ako.

BF: wla ka ba tiwala sa akin, init lng ng katawan un. ikaw lng mamahalin ko ndi kita iiwan.

ME: db dun din tayo nagsimula? sa init ng katawan? sabi mo pa nga bawal mainlove.

BF: sinabi ko lng un pero that time na-fa-fall na ako sayo, nilagyan ko lng limitations sarili ko. wla ka ba tiwala sa akin?

ME: meron, pero...

BF: naka-oo na kc ako, magmumukha naman ako walang isang salita.

ME: ...

BF: ndi ko nlng ipapaalam sayo para ndi ka masaktan.

ME: umiyak nlng.

I know, I'm crazy! I cried the whole night, i slept 6am this morning. I'm doing this because I LOVE YOU!

Now I'm asking myself... Is your happiness worth every heartbreak? Is it worth very tears?  Is it worth it? :(

New Life

I’m young and reactive with HIV-1.

I’m still at the state of accepting my condition though sometimes denying it and hoping that my result is negative. There were instances that I thought of ending my life, but  I knew for a fact that this won’t solve anything. I realized I have to hold on because I have to be strong for myself, my family and for my boy friend for 8 months now. I'm just worrying so much for him and wishing that he would be negative. I am praying that in these coming months he comes out negative. I'd rather have him negative than go through what I am experiencing right now.

Every day I pray for forgiveness, strength, and guidance. I need to straighten my act. No matter how bad things are for me, I needed to live and life must go on. Through this I want to enjoy life more and see what is more important with the limited time that I have. Things happen for a reason and I believe in God. If this is what He wants for me then I would accept it. As of now, I’m not ready to tell anybody else yet. I don’t want to add another burden to my family. They had enough heart breaks last year so let’s give them more time.

For others like me, let us not be ignorant, learn the disease, manage the disease and conquer it. Always think that it’s not the end, treatments will help us live. We still deserve a second chance because for us, this will be our second chance to life. We’ve already been wounded but it’s up to us to prevent that wound from getting worst. Things will get better.

Be strong, be tough and beat the bitch!!

I think I will be OK and so will you... Good luck to us!

 and remember... just breath... you’ll be OK.