Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Pride, His Anger

After the break up a lot of things has happened, we tried to talk about it and started dating (again) even if our friends (on both parties) are against it, but they had no choice but to deal with it, this time we are taking things slowly. It's was "okay", not the same as before less emotions involved, but we only made it worst:
  • Me going on different dates, him whoring on planetromeo.
  • Him spreading my private conversation with my best friend on facebook to his friends, co-workers at the school who happens to be owned by my mom, and to people who I don't even know, also telling the hairdresser of the salon we both go to. As a defense me sending his cybersex conversation to his friends. 
  • Exchanged of harsh words, me putting up status on facebook pertaining to him.
  • Him getting furious and getting physical (for the 2nd time) but this time I fought back.
Am I happy for what just happened? NO, but boy did I learned my lessons well. I admit we both crossed the line. After hitting me in the face he had the guts to talked to my mom and got her sympathy, she ask him to stay, now the relationship I'm building up with my mom goes down the drain, again for the nth time my mom thinks I'm a mess. I hope he's happy but this won't last long, I will take back everything he took from me. You cannot blame me for everything, I also fought hard to make this relationship work, I also gave up so many things for him, and I gave everything as much. I'm not coming out clean, I also had my share's of inconsistencies, bad attitudes, stupidity and faults but I can't help but think for a guy who had 15-20 relationships in the past and most are unsuccessful, there must be something wrong. I don't want this to end this way but somehow what just happened made me realized something, that "loving yourself more doesn't mean your selfish". Sadly the best way to end this is to go our separate ways, too many people got involved, as of now it can never be fixed. Thanks to my ex bf I learned to stand up for on my own, to defend myself, I'm not the guy who just keep quiet all the time, no, not anymore.

Now, I am starting my life all over again without him

Friday, December 10, 2010

Barrier's UP!

This “thing” in my body is making me vulnerable. All of these emotions are making my life a roller coaster ride! One moment I am happy then one moment I am sad, I think this is what they call “emotion shift”. I am not at ease of showing emotions, I usually hide it, I usually cry when I am all by myself where nobody can hear/see me, I hate it when somebody see cry, I felt like I am less of a person. Growing up I have to be emotionally self-supporting, I never really felt how to be loved, my parent’s are always too busy, although they make time for us, there were favoritism, I never really felt like I am important, most of my SPECIAL DAYS are just ignored. I have to be strong to survive, this is why some people misinterpret me as a cold hearted person, showing emotions is just too difficult. For me emotions are investments, I want to invest it were it will grow into something good. Love is one, but now I find it hard to invest in love, knowing that I have “it” people might reject me, unless it’s a poz to poz relationship, but still, I can’t handle anymore drama as of now, too stressful not good for my health.

So now, I’m putting my barriers up! A strong and sturdy wall so no one can hurt me.

Friday, December 3, 2010

World Aids Day Celebration

Its my first time to celebrate World Aids Day as a Pozzie. I joined yoga for life's WAD and  together with their 6th monthsary celebration. We had a special kirtan session, there were lighted candles formed in a ribbon, where we were in circle around it sitting in our yoga mats. This year's theme was "Light for Rights" HIV rights is HUMAN RIGHTS, we have the same rights as people who are not living with HIV. We pozzie's are just like any other human being, we are still normal, we can do all the things that a normal being can, the difference is we just have to take care of ourselves more.

We begun the celebration by the alternate nostril breathing followed by 9 sun salutation, and then we sang different songs and at the end of every song someone can share anything she/he likes. Someone spoke up disclosing his status, i was a bit teary eyed, I was saying to myself what a brave guy, then another person also shared his, i was just listening and trying to absorb what they was saying, there are about 6 person who share their story before I had the guts to speak up. So I told my story... First I told them how I was negative in December 2009 and came up positive in February 2010, due to memory problems I asked my ex bf to support me with my story telling, I really don't want to cry but I can't help it, I was really in pain because my mom couldn't accept me, she called me a "sex pervert" and she thinks my life is a BIG MESS, she always tells me to fix my life and not to enter another relationship because of my condition. I was in tears while sharing my story in front of people I don't even know (parang tanga lang!) , then someone spoke up about privacy, that disclosing someone else status is against the law, that the stories shared on that room will remain on that room. I remembered the pozzie who disclosed my status and shared it to them, I hoped they will be very careful to whom they share their secrets with. I think 9 or 10 people shared their story, I am very lucky to have witnessed an event like this. 

Overall I was very happy, I was happy I was brave enough to spoke up, I was happy that the people in the room accepted me, I was very very happy... some people gave me a hug after the session, I felt very much loved. We finished the celebration with a vegetarian dinner, not really a fan of veggies, but I know I have to eat because its good for me, honestly the food didn't really taste like vegetables the food was really good.

For me yoga for life wasn't just a community or a place to do yoga, I felt like I belong to a "family" like what I always said to my fellow pozzie's "family tayo kc magka-dugo naman tayo", yoga for life is a place where you can be free of judgement, just pure acceptance no matter what age, gender or HIV status you have.  Everyone is welcome in YFL. Thank you YFL! Thank you charmaine, paulo, the core group and to everyone at YFL! One big Hug! More power!

BTW! congrats to charmaine and his husband... cheers to the adorable couple!

To all the pozzie's out there, it's not the end of life, don't give up, always remember that your heart is still beating.

And one last thing... someone kissed me that night, nothing intimate just a smack on the lips. Want to know who? nah.. secret! :P

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

World AIDS Day!

Today is AIDS awareness day! Let us light a candle for those people who died of HIV/AIDS.

Every year of my 22years of existence (lol), I really don't give much priority to the celebration of W A D, I just wore a red ribbon pin because I was told to do so, not until now, this day is intended for pozzie's like me, it's like our November 1 or even Christmas? hehehe... It's our day of being remembered or even saying: Hey! we are HIV positive and we are still alive. Enough with the stigma, we are just like any normal people, enough with the discrimination, we just wanted to be accepted in the society.

My life as pozzie may not have been great but so far it's okay and getting better, I was happy that I've met friends like JUAN DELA CRUZ of Positive = Rebirth, LUCKY of Lucky 13, UBERMENSCH of d-ubermensch and also some other friends I've met on YOGA FOR LIFE especially MR.YOGI! Thank you for being there for me! Love you guys! Hope to gain more friends. 

Happy world aids day guys! Let's keep on fighting! :)

BTW, Do you know your status? If not, have yourself tested.