In a few days he'll be leaving the country, I feel sad that he's leaving again, as much as I want him to stay longer he needs to work, I don't want to be selfish. I will miss you and the wonderful times we spend together. 3 months is so short but we made it worthwhile. Take care my baby... I love you!
Its been 3 months and 16 days since he left... I miss him... sa isip ko mabilis lang naman ang araw, ilang tulog lng magkakasama na ulit kami. I kept myself busy as in career mode talaga! subsob sa trabaho kahit sunday nagwowork ako, para hindi ko siya masyado maisip, para iwas landi na din. lol! madaming temptation sa paligid. hahaha... Hanggang landi lng naman ako. I know my limitations. Minsan namimiss ko ung kakulitan nya, para kasing bata yun, mahilig mang asar pero asar talo naman. Nakakamiss din ung paglalambing nya sobrang maalaga pa, feeling ko isa akong princess, teka ang landi ko na. lol! weird pala magsulat in tagalog. Anyways... Monthsary namin ngayon, kung ilang months na kami I'm not sure. Nangyari nalang kasi bigla. Its my first long distance relationship, hirap pala lalo na ung time zone pag umaga dito gabi doon, I have to wait for his call para lang makapagusap kami, there are times pa na bihira siya tumawag dahil busy but my love for him is still the same, I text him more than 5x everyday, kahit puro I love you lang laman ng message. Sa totoo lang I never felt this way sa isang tao. The good thing about our relationship is it did not start on sex, and it isn't based on sex, we're contented with hugging and kissing lang, basta magkasama lng kami. I think of him as my knight in shinning armor, nadami akong natutunan sa kanya, my life got better. I'm very HAPPY na nakilala ko cia, may mga plans na kami for our future. I know same sex relationships doesn't always have a happy ending, sooner or later they end up going separate ways pero hindi naman cguro masamang mangarap na may "Happily Ever After" kaming dalawa. Good vibes lng dapat. hehehe... Bawal ang nega. In a few months makikita na kita ulit. Excited na ako. Happy Monthsary! I love you! and I miss you!
What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything
Back at home you feel so far
Waitin' for the phone to ring
It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down
I don't even wanna be in this town
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
What time is it where you are?
Five more days and I'll be home
I keep your picture in my car
I hate the thought of you alone
I've been keepin' busy all the time
Just to try to keep you off my mind
Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jet lagged
I miss you so bad [x5]
I wanna share your horizon
I miss you so bad
And see the same sunrising
I miss you so bad
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.
You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss when you say good morning
But it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's drivin' me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
Is so jetlagged
You saw my profile at planet romeo, you asked me a lot of questions, I tried my best to answer it. Then you asked if we could meet I was very hesitant but somehow you made me say yes. I love you! I miss you! I can still remember the first time we met, I was a bit uncomfortable meeting you, you were HIV negative I am HIV positive but you didn't judge me at all, you act as if I was normal. I love you! I miss you! We talked and talked until I became comfortable with you, and its time for me to go home but the communication didn't stop there. I love you! I miss you! We would text and chat all day, I called you "kuya" you were like an older brother, I was very happy I've met a person like you full of positive vibes, full of laughter. I love you! I miss you! We hang out almost everyday, going to the mall, watching movies, eating, we became really close, you helped me with my problems, right then you became one of my strengths. You always tell me stories of the places you've been to, hearing it from you seems like I was there with you. I love you! I miss you! You were very religious, you asked me to come to church you and it became our Sunday habit. It was nice seeing another side of you, even though you act like a 10 year old kid most of the time I was glad I saw a more serious side of you. I love you! I miss you! The more I get to know you the more Ive fallen for you, but being HIV positive made me realized that we will never be more than just friends, but I never lost hope. As the weeks go by the more we got closer, after watching a movie we head back to your place, had a few drinks you kissed me, I kissed you back and things between us will never be the same again. I love you! I miss you! We slept together that night, because of my meds I had to sleep ahead of you. I slept with my head on your chest, with your arms wrapped around me and vice versa, as I fall asleep I can feel you kissing me, I smiled! I never felt so secured in my entire life. I love you! I miss you! I knew you would be going away soon, but we made our time together worth while. I lived in your house for quite some time, we were together almost every time except when I'm at work, you always prepare my lunch, you always cook my favorite food. You will fetch me to work and together we will go home. I feel so lucky to have you as my partner, no one has ever done that to me. I love you! I miss you! I brought you home, introduced you to my family, we were 2 decades apart, you were almost the same age as my parents, you handles yourself well I was very proud of you, I really don't care what they say. I love you! I miss you! You saw another side of me, I was immature, I was spoiled, I had my tantrum moments, but you stayed with me all through out. I love you! I miss you! Then the day of your departure came, I was very sad, I cried seeing you packed your things, I accompanied you to the airport, on our way you were holding my hand. I tried to be brave I cannot cry, but I can't help it, I composed myself and try to act normal. You always tell me that you love me and you will come back for me, I will hold on to your promise. We arrived at the airport, we said goodbye and hug each other, I wish I could have kissed you, but I can't. I didn't stayed long. I immediately took a cab, and went home, we still exchange text messages to say how much we love and we will miss each other. I love you! I miss you! Then you called, you told me it was time for you to board on the plane. I cried again! I said the things I wanted to tell you and it was good bye for now. I felt incomplete! I would just stare blankly into the sky hoping that I would see your plane. I love you! I miss you! You'll be gone for 10months, I know 10months isn't that long but I miss you already! I will wait for you. I will hold on to your promise that you will come back to me. I love you! I miss you!
Its been a year and 7months and he is still NEGATIVE! I am so happy that even though we had practiced unsafe sex before, his results always came out non reactive. Every time he's going to take the test I can't help but be scared, I won't forgive myself if ever he came out positive. I hope he remains negative forever. This calls or a celebration! I really have to thank God for all his blessings to me, to us and my family, so far so good! I feel very blessed!
My 1 year magnetic relationship just ended. I am also hurt but I think this will be the best of the both of us. Enough is enough, we tried so hard but we cant save this relationship anymore. We need to focus on our own lives now. Sorry but I wont shed another tear for you. I will be okay, I hope you are the same.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BABY! We will have more years ahead of us!
THANK YOU for staying and loving from the start, I know, me having HIV is very difficult for you but we can get through anything. I LOVE YOU and I WILL PROMISE TO LOVE YOU MORE! MWAH!
-sorry I was sick, lets do our celebration at our comming CEBU-BOHOL trip! love you forever!
I trust every person who I come out with my HIV status, I don't just come out to everyone because I don't know how will they react to it. Will they accept me? Will they continue to love me? Will they be disgusted? Too many factors is to be considered before telling a person you have HIV. Like what happened with my mom, she had a hard time accepting me, until now she's not 100% comfortable with it, we don't talk about it, she doesn't want me to explain everything to her, she doesn't want me to tell my dad, she doesn't want me to come out of the world because people might be scared, people might not come close or near me, that's how my mom took it, what if it was someone else who doesn't even know me?
Since I start blogging I've been talking or meeting fellow poz, disclosing my true identity is part of it, since they are poz as well I gave them my full trust and respect that my secret will be kept and their secret will be kept also (when someone comes out to me, it remains within me, not even my boyfriend knows about it). Going back to what happened on the day of my birthday, someone (let's call him X) who knows about my status outed me to his friend (let's call him Z), I didn't really mind it until I realized that since I was disclosed as HIV positive, person Z thought that my boyfriend was also HIV positive, there's a stigma attached to my boyfriend. THIS IS NOT GOOD, another person got involved, its like hitting two birds with one stone.
I just wished that person X think twice before he quacks about someone else status, according Section 3 (b) (2) of Republic Act 8504 or the Philippine Aids Prevention and Control Act of 1998 provides that the right to privacy of individuals with HIV/Aids shall be guaranteed by the state. The damage has been done, maybe this time this issue has been passed to every person they know. This is a very private matter, it can ruin my life, my boyfriend's life and even my family's lives. I'm very hurt by this, I TRUSTED YOU now it's just hard to trust anybody. I'm going to be more careful from now on.
You can't turn back time. I just hope you realize now that what you did is wrong.
Nothing special, the whole family is busy with campaigning so prior to that I planned to attend Yoga for Life at makati with my BF and BFF, it's our first time to attend YFL at makati, the place was different, the crowd was different although i see familiar faces who also attend the Wednesday group. Since it's my birthday I was the center of attention, the yogi's are very vocal about it. I was shy, I really don't like to be the center of attention, I was blushing, then the practice begun, they have this thing where you will do numbers of "sun salutations" corresponding to the celebrants age, it was very nice although it was very tiring, I can see others getting tired already, i felt a bit guilty but as a treat I baked brownies for them to eat afterward. Overall I was happy! Even though others are complete strangers and some who I already knew, they made my day special, especially Mr. Yogi who is always gives me a warm hug, lucky.trese was also there, finally after exchanging text messages and chatting on ym I finally got the chance to met him (sorry I was shy, never got the chance to really bond with you). Yoga was awsome!
After yoga, myself, bf, and bff went to MOM&TINA'S to have our early dinner, the food was great, we got the chance to bond again, the three of us are really close. While eating, BF received a text message from a friend asking if he had tested for HIV, because his friend told him that him that his partner(me) is POZ, I know this person has no bad intentions, he was just concerned with his friend(my bf) so I didn't really mind that because it's my birthday and I don't want to ruin it. The next day I asked some people who knew my status, if they told anybody about it...
I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!
Me and my bf got into a very big fight, i was very stressed, that I end up crying hard and having a nervous breakdown. He immidiately called my mom and rushed into my house with my 2 brothers, my face was very red, I wont stop crying untill my mom was able to calmed me down, she immidiately get my blood pressure and it was 151/127, lucky I didn't get stroked, they wanted to get me to a hospita but I refused, I accidentally I told my mom that I am HIV positive. She just stayed quiet because there are other people waiting outside, she ask me to stay over at our original house, in the morning I texted my mom to say sorry. She said I was a disappointment and a humilation to the family. She also told me that what were I thinking and that I am digging my own grave. I can feel she hates me, she always scolds me during that day, I can feel the tension, I was helpless, I end up crying and passing out again. Im giving my mom more time to accept and understand the situation, looking forward to bring our relationship back.
My bf was very supportive of me that day, he always tells me that he love's me very much, neither do i know he was doing "cyber sex" with 2 guys in the internet. I am more hurt, why did he chose to do those things when I am in a situation like this, I was very hurt, all this time I know he was worried at me, but he's not, he still managed to flirt with other guys when I am left alone in my room crying and longing for love. I don't know what to do anymore. We're going to have our 11th monthsary on oct 8 and our 1st anniversary on november. How will I cope with this.
:(
PS: Im sorry if this isn't making any sense, I lack inspiration to write and Im having trouble expressing how I feel.
I've never been so relaxed since I was diagnosed of HIV. Last week I got a message on my FB asking me to join YOGA FOR LIFE, since I was busy I wasn't able to join that week. Today I decided to give it a try, I brought along my BF and my BFF. We arrived at the building at 6:58 as we are waiting for the elevator a friend whom I met at PGH came, he was a regular so didn't we didn't had problem locating the place. I was nervous at first, I'm not really the sociable type, I'm too shy to start conversations, going to a room with people I don't know was scary, good thing I have my BF and BFF with me. We were just standing there when the yoga instructor welcomed us with a handshake, he was very warm, after introducing ourselves he ask us to get some mats and find our place. We just sat there as they explaining the concept of YOGA FOR LIFE, I'm happy that there is a community who helps POZZIES like me. It's the advance monthsary celebration they've been doing YFL for 4months now. We had a small game before we start to do our thing, it was fun, the game is a relay but not in a children party way, we used condoms for the activity its called "LICK" condoms with real flavors, it taste good! The game goes like this, we form a group of two, the first person blows the condom like a balloon then on the end you popped the balloon, you get another condom and put it in the banana fastest group wins and our group won, our price? the banana! They gave away free condoms too. My BF got a lot. hahaha!
And so the activity starts, first with the proper breathing exercise, followed by some poses and then comes the stretching, I admit I'm not very flexible, I can't even reach my ankles so I really need a lot of help from the yogi's, as the activity goes on I realized that I've been sweating A LOT!!! I had to removed my eyeglasses to be more focused. It felt nice, very nice! I can feel the stress being breathe out of my body, I can feel that I'm getting more and more relaxed, I felt every pain as I stretched my worries away. Every drop of sweat from my body was worth it. Every air I inhaled to my body symbolizes a new hope. At the end of the session I received a HUG from Mr. yogi, I wonder does he know about my status? I'm happy I joined yoga for life. I really need this, I felt like a new person, a happier version of me. I am looking forward to doing more yoga. We really had fun!
Last Wednesday me and my best friend went to PGH to have my check up and to start my ARV, i woke up 10am, took a shower, went to the bank then rushed off to the meeting place where my best friend is waiting. My best friend know about my status and she's positive about it, i didn't saw her cry not even one drop of tear, she just told me that we will conquer the world together. I brought her with me so that Dra. Z can educate her about what's happening to me. We arrived at exactly 1pm at SAGIP unit, there are many patients so we sat on the chair in the corridors, after a few minutes I knocked in the usual closed door of the room, a familiar face opened the doctor it wasn't nurse C, i was just staring trying to figure out who he was, he was staring also, then i saw nurse C and ask for Dra. Z, she told me to wait outside, then i figured out who he was, he was a guy who i exchanged messages in planetromeo, i immediately texted him and then a few minutes he came out then sat next to me, after introducing ourselves, he gave me an intro about the med's I'm going to take because I was going to start my treatment on that day, then we shook hands he went back into the room, he was accompanying people who's gonna get tested for HIV (i hope they turn out negative). Then Dra. Z passed by, I said "hi" she didn't notice me because I have a shorter hair. We walked into the room and checked me up, the usual she asked me how am I doing, she got my weight (58kg) checked my neck, etc... I am losing weight so she ask me to eat more. I told her I brought my best friend, I asked if she can come in, she said yes, a few intro and questions then she went out to get my med, after a few minutes she went back said "hindi ka pa magstart ng treatment hindi ako pinayagan ng consultant ko, nagtitipid kami ng gamot, saka mataas pa naman daw cd4(443) mo, ang next kuha mo ng cd4 sa feb, mag follow up check up ka na lang sa december ". I got confused because three weeks ago she was so sure that I am starting my treatments because of the new guidelines, now i don't know if this is a good or bad news. I just said okay and my check up is done, doc asked me to go out of the room so she can talk to my best friend after 10mins there done, 2:30pm we said goodbye to doc. I was hungry so we went to rob's ermita to eat, we also ask another friend to follow. We ate at pancake house then watched a movie, it was fun bonding with them, i was happy that my best friend knows about my status, she's very supportive, she texted me every to eat fruit, vegetables or to sleep early. She said we were like kris aquino and eric quizon in the movie "so happy together" or like "will and grace". I'm just so happy that our friendship became stronger than ever. Now I have my BF's to support me, my boy friend and my best friend, I am so BLESSED to have them.
That night i decided to give him what he wanted, yes, i decided to do "IT" with him again but in a very safe manner, we haven't done "IT" since i was diagnosed with HIV, I am nervous, I am scared, I can't hide the fact that he can be infected. I know he's been wanting this for the longest time, i wanted it also, i miss doing it, but I'm scared! Do I still know how to do it? It felt like I'm a virgin all over again. lol! I had to face my fear or else I might lose the person i love. So... there we did "IT" and I'm glad we did, It was HOT, that moment was full of love and passion. I was so happy. He also told me that he'd stop meeting other people and to continue to love and support me forever, that everything will be okay, that's what i wanted to hear. I never felt happier. It was indeed A HAPPY MONTHSARY!
Baby if you're reading this...
I LOVE YOU. I always feel safe when you're at my side baby, just hold my hand and never let go. Thank you for everything! Happy 10th monthsary! I LOVE YOU! MWAH!
Today i woke up crying and very depressed, this was supposed to be a "special day" for us, it's our 10th monthsary. This day was supposed to be happy and full of love. My boyfriend's status=NEGATIVE, thank you GOD! I prayed for months that in his next HIV test he will still be negative, and God answered my prayers. I wanted him to stay negative so I told him i wont have sex with him anymore, i don't want to undergo that process again carrying the guilt that i may or might have infected him. I told him that he can have sex with others instead. CRAZY right? The other night we were having a conversation about his possible sex date on Thursday, they are going to have sex in our house, so i have to sleep in my parents house that night, because his sex date doesn't know he's in a relationship, oh shit! how painful is it to be denied by someone you love? i felt my heart jump off my chest but I just stayed quiet the whole evening. That morning he felt that i was a little cold, not as sweet as i used to be, i was giving him a cold shoulder, my heart was in pain. I was sleeping when he got home i was a little drunk. He started yelling and screaming. He was very angry. He doesn't allow me to drink anymore it's bad for my health. Can you blame me? I wanted to release stress. I just stayed quiet. Then i got a text from my friend asking me to fetch her somewhere in Roxas blvd, she was drunk, no choice i had to go there, bf accompanied me because i was drunk as well but he's not talking the whole trip. After going to Roxas we dropped off my friend at her house and went straight home. Time: 2:30am. He's still mad, i went to him to make "lambing". We talked. Here's the conservation i remembered.
BF: sabihin mo lng kung nasasaktan ka ititigil ko na ito, naguguluhan ako sayo, ikaw naman pumiplit sa akin sa gawin ito tapos ngyn nagkakaganyan ka.
ME: dahil din naman sayo kung bakit ko naisip ito. nalulungkot ako pag tinatanggihan kita, ayoko na kc pagdaan ulit ung nafeel ko nung naghihintay ng 6months window period mo. ang saya saya ko na nung nagnegative ka. saka... I know you you need it and i know you want it. ndi ka naman papayag sa gusto ko kung ayaw mo tlga. tama ba ako?
BF: tama...
ME: see... alam ko gusto mo din kaya wag mo na ako insipin. natatakot lng ako na ma-inlove ka sa kanila at iwan mo ako.
BF: wla ka ba tiwala sa akin, init lng ng katawan un. ikaw lng mamahalin ko ndi kita iiwan.
ME: db dun din tayo nagsimula? sa init ng katawan? sabi mo pa nga bawal mainlove.
BF: sinabi ko lng un pero that time na-fa-fall na ako sayo, nilagyan ko lng limitations sarili ko. wla ka ba tiwala sa akin?
ME: meron, pero...
BF: naka-oo na kc ako, magmumukha naman ako walang isang salita.
ME: ...
BF: ndi ko nlng ipapaalam sayo para ndi ka masaktan.
ME: umiyak nlng.
I know, I'm crazy! I cried the whole night, i slept 6am this morning. I'm doing this because I LOVE YOU!
Now I'm asking myself... Is your happiness worth every heartbreak? Is it worth very tears? Is it worth it? :(
I’m still at the state of accepting my condition though sometimes denying it and hoping that my result is negative. There were instances that I thought of ending my life, but I knew for a fact that this won’t solve anything. I realized I have to hold on because I have to be strong for myself, my family and for my boy friend for 8 months now. I'm just worrying so much for him and wishing that he would be negative. I am praying that in these coming months he comes out negative. I'd rather have him negative than go through what I am experiencing right now.
Every day I pray for forgiveness, strength, and guidance.I need to straighten my act. No matter how bad things are for me, I needed to live and life must go on. Through this I want to enjoy life more and see what is more important with the limited time that I have. Things happen for a reason and I believe in God. If this is what He wants for me then I would accept it. As of now, I’m not ready to tell anybody else yet. I don’t want to add another burden to my family. They had enough heart breaks last year so let’s give them more time.
For others like me, let us not be ignorant, learn the disease, manage the disease and conquer it. Always think that it’s not the end, treatments will help us live. We still deserve a second chance because for us, this will be our second chance to life. We’ve already been wounded but it’s up to us to prevent that wound from getting worst. Things will get better.
Be strong, be tough and beat the bitch!!
I think I will be OK and so will you... Good luck to us!
