Sunday, February 13, 2011

Pebrero Trese

February 13, 2010 the day that changed my life forever. I can still remember how it all begun...

It was the thirteenth of February, the day before Valentine's Day. It was a Saturday, after having my rapid test last December 2009 (which came out non-reactive) I decided to have my follow up test so my (ex)partner (who is my partner that time), and I together with another bisexual friend V went to PGH to have our HIV test. V has a family, a wife and a son, he is very scared thinking he has HIV due to his past sexual encounters. We arrived at PGH around 1pm, Dr. L who has a study about HIV was the one who conducted the test. I was just normal, I wasn't scared, I was just thinking it's gonna be negative so let's get this over with. I volunteered first, my (ex)partner, then my friend V same procedures after a few questions from Dr. L we had our blood samples tested. After another questioning as a group, he asked us to go outside and one by one he will disclose the results as usual I went in first, I sat in front of him he handed me the rapid test kit and asked "what do you think is the result?" I replied "I don't know" and immediately he said "it's positive" right then and there I died, I was shaking, "para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig" and I asked my (ex)partner's results "what about *****?, what about *****?" thank God he's negative, he was trying to calm me down but I was really shaking not crying just shaking while embracing myself, he was telling me things but I can't really understand it, my mind was completely blanked, i could have screamed but my friend was outside and I don't want him to know, and my (ex)partner as well so I calmed myself and went outside, my (ex)partner was next on his way in I got the chance to hold his hand and I squeezed it real tight. Outside V was trying to talk to me, I tried my best to remain calm acting like everything was fine and I was non-reactive. After all of us were done, we decided to get something to eat, I was just quiet, my (ex)partner was thinking I was acting weird I just smiled at him back, we entered a fast food chain I just sat down and ask him to order something for me, I really couldn't eat, I was not myself, I wanted to scream and cry but I can't, while eating I received a text message from my (ex)partner asking if I am alright, I replied with the news "I am reactive" looking at his face while reading my text, he was shocked, his smile turned into a frown, both of us didn't finished our meal, we still tried to act normal in front of our friend. After eating we said goodbye to our friend, both not ourselves we sat down in the sidewalk both staring at a blank space. I told him I will go back to Dr. L to have my blood extracted for the confirmation test, we hurried back but Dr.L was in a meeting and can't accommodate in that moment so we agreed to come back later in the afternoon. My (ex)partner asked me to come with him in his house, the moment we got into his room I cried, I broke down, I was dying... he was crying also, but he remained strong for me, telling me that there is still a chance for me to be non-reactive. He was tracing back were I get it from, but I was just crying... our relationship just turned 2months that time, he just hugged me the whole time trying to be positive about it, looking at a brighter side but I was still covered in darkness, I did question God why, but I never blamed him for what happened. Then we head back to PGH to had my blood extracted.

My confirmation test still came out REACTIVE... and so my life begins... at the age of 21 I am HIV positive, and my (ex)partner remained non-reactive. :)

That moment changed my life, its very funny because I wasn't even that promiscuous during those time, I had less than 10 sex encounters, this just means that one unsafe encounter and you can be at risk of having HIV.

Writing this post made me realized that I had already moved on, I had accepted my fate, I am still the same person just stronger. I am still here... ALIVE! My heart is still beating...

18 comments:

  1. hi. your story scared me. what happened between your feb test and december test? did u have sex with someone else?

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  2. I had sex encounters sometime in September and October 2009.

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  3. ask ko lang if you had unprotected sex sa mga 10 encounters mo and how about your ex did you also have unprotected in those 2 months?

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  4. in some encounters I had safe sex, others I don't. Yes my ex and I did have unprotected sex before I got it but surprisingly he didn't get infected.

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  5. hi there just a question. what made you decide to have an HIV test? Is it because youre having symptoms? The moment you knew about it did it become worse? Im really worried about my suspected case.

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  6. honestly I was just really curious, I don't have the symptoms that's why I was very surprised. I can't say it got worst, my immune system is just on the rocks, now everything is falling back into place.

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  7. just discovered i had syphilis thru vdrl,prp test and i am paranoid about having hiv.. never been in a male to male relationship but had a casual sexx with a person i meet at a bar..i always wear a condom everytime, but that time she asked me not to wear one coz she has allergy on condoms, it causes her vaginal itchiness she said... she was the only unprotected sex i had my entire life, i have a wife, shes working as a nurse in the US and we were married just for 6 months, the moment i had sex with this girl was just 2 months after she left... after discovering i have syphilis, everything was in paranoia for me, when my wife and i chat i try real hard not to show that im crying inside, the guilt is too much for me... now, i dont know y but ur blog touches me in a way, u r a strong person... now bec of this blog i will get a test for HIV,.. my wife's coming home on january i dont want to infect her if ever... God bless u positHIVe... cocntinue fighting, ok?

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  8. Thank you for reading my blog, I'm very happy that in a way I'm also touching other peoples lives. I hope you're HIV test come out negative, be responsible from now on because once you have HIV it stays with you forever. Also please be faithful to your wife I know she loves you as much as you love her. I never stopped fighting! This Heart is Still Beating! God Bless! :)

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  9. if you had your sex encounter sometimes in September and October, don't you think your test in December should have turned positive considering that is almost over from the 3 months window period. How come you turned out negative?

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  10. I don't know, maybe my December results were false negative. The virus wasn't that many to be detected.

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  11. i read 3 months window period should be considered accurate. i guess, you must be one of the rare case who required more than 3 months to test positive. unless, you could not accurately recall if you have engaged in sexual contact after your December test.

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  12. The window period is 3-6months. I'm pretty sure about my last encounter, I had less than 10 sexual encounters before I got myself tested, what's the point in lying anyways I'm already HIV positive. :)

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  13. i am not sure if at the time of your test it was considered 3-6 months. but what i know today is 2 weeks to 3 months which means a test at the 3rd month should be conclusive. well, i am just trying to correlate your case, which could be an exception, with current medical findings. nice blog anyway. keep it up. you are touching lives in ways you may not know.

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  14. Thanks! I appreciate your comments.

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  15. May I ask you questions? Just ignore if you do mind me asking.
    Do you recall if after your sex encounters in September or October you happen to notice one or more of the early symptoms like fever, rashes, swelling of the lymphnodes, etc?
    And where did you have your December rapid test?

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  16. I didn't have any symptoms. I had my rapid test with a friend who's undergoing a study about HIV.

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  17. I see. So your friend conducted the test. Did I understand it right? How confident were you on your friends expertise in conducting the test? Has it come to your mind that you may have contracted the disease even before your sex encounter sometimes in September and October?

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  18. He was my ex boyfriends friend. He's a doctor now. Maybe, I didn't really think about how I got it, I was careless, I need to move on and live my life.

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