My Pride, His Anger

After the break up a lot of things has happened, we tried to talk about it and started dating (again) even if our friends (on both parties) are against it, but they had no choice but to deal with it, this time we are taking things slowly. It's was "okay", not the same as before less emotions involved, but we only made it worst:

• Me going on different dates, him whoring on planetromeo.

• Him spreading my private conversation with my best friend on facebook to his friends, co-workers at the school who happens to be owned by my mom, and to people who I don't even know, also telling the hairdresser of the salon we both go to. As a defense me sending his cybersex conversation to his friends. 

• Exchanged of harsh words, me putting up status on facebook pertaining to him.

• Him getting furious and getting physical (for the 2nd time) but this time I fought back.

THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS IS REALLY UNHEALTHY!

Am I happy for what just happened? NO, but boy did I learned my lessons well. I admit we both crossed the line. After hitting me in the face he had the guts to talked to my mom and got her sympathy, she ask him to stay, now the relationship I'm building up with my mom goes down the drain, again for the nth time my mom thinks I'm a mess. I hope he's happy but this won't last long, I will take back everything he took from me. You cannot blame me for everything, I also fought hard to make this relationship work, I also gave up so many things for him, and I gave everything as much. I'm not coming out clean, I also had my share's of inconsistencies, bad attitudes, stupidity and faults but I can't help but think for a guy who had 15-20 relationships in the past and most are unsuccessful, there must be something wrong. I don't want this to end this way but somehow what just happened made me realized something, that "loving yourself more doesn't mean your selfish". Sadly the best way to end this is to go our separate ways, too many people got involved, as of now it can never be fixed. Thanks to my ex bf I learned to stand up for on my own, to defend myself, I'm not the guy who just keep quiet all the time, no, not anymore.

Now, I am starting my life all over again without him

Barrier's UP!

This “thing” in my body is making me vulnerable. All of these emotions are making my life a roller coaster ride! One moment I am happy then one moment I am sad, I think this is what they call “emotion shift”. I am not at ease of showing emotions, I usually hide it, I usually cry when I am all by myself where nobody can hear/see me, I hate it when somebody see cry, I felt like I am less of a person. Growing up I have to be emotionally self-supporting, I never really felt how to be loved, my parent’s are always too busy, although they make time for us, there were favoritism, I never really felt like I am important, most of my SPECIAL DAYS are just ignored. I have to be strong to survive, this is why some people misinterpret me as a cold hearted person, showing emotions is just too difficult. For me emotions are investments, I want to invest it were it will grow into something good. Love is one, but now I find it hard to invest in love, knowing that I have “it” people might reject me, unless it’s a poz to poz relationship, but still, I can’t handle anymore drama as of now, too stressful not good for my health.

So now, I’m putting my barriers up! A strong and sturdy wall so no one can hurt me.

World Aids Day Celebration

Its my first time to celebrate World Aids Day as a Pozzie. I joined yoga for life's WAD and  together with their 6th monthsary celebration. We had a special kirtan session, there were lighted candles formed in a ribbon, where we were in circle around it sitting in our yoga mats. This year's theme was "Light for Rights" HIV rights is HUMAN RIGHTS, we have the same rights as people who are not living with HIV. We pozzie's are just like any other human being, we are still normal, we can do all the things that a normal being can, the difference is we just have to take care of ourselves more.

We begun the celebration by the alternate nostril breathing followed by 9 sun salutation, and then we sang different songs and at the end of every song someone can share anything she/he likes. Someone spoke up disclosing his status, i was a bit teary eyed, I was saying to myself what a brave guy, then another person also shared his, i was just listening and trying to absorb what they was saying, there are about 6 person who share their story before I had the guts to speak up. So I told my story... First I told them how I was negative in December 2009 and came up positive in February 2010, due to memory problems I asked my ex bf to support me with my story telling, I really don't want to cry but I can't help it, I was really in pain because my mom couldn't accept me, she called me a "sex pervert" and she thinks my life is a BIG MESS, she always tells me to fix my life and not to enter another relationship because of my condition. I was in tears while sharing my story in front of people I don't even know (parang tanga lang!) , then someone spoke up about privacy, that disclosing someone else status is against the law, that the stories shared on that room will remain on that room. I remembered the pozzie who disclosed my status and shared it to them, I hoped they will be very careful to whom they share their secrets with. I think 9 or 10 people shared their story, I am very lucky to have witnessed an event like this. 

Overall I was very happy, I was happy I was brave enough to spoke up, I was happy that the people in the room accepted me, I was very very happy... some people gave me a hug after the session, I felt very much loved. We finished the celebration with a vegetarian dinner, not really a fan of veggies, but I know I have to eat because its good for me, honestly the food didn't really taste like vegetables the food was really good.

For me yoga for life wasn't just a community or a place to do yoga, I felt like I belong to a "family" like what I always said to my fellow pozzie's "family tayo kc magka-dugo naman tayo", yoga for life is a place where you can be free of judgement, just pure acceptance no matter what age, gender or HIV status you have.  Everyone is welcome in YFL. Thank you YFL! Thank you charmaine, paulo, the core group and to everyone at YFL! One big Hug! More power!

BTW! congrats to charmaine and his husband... cheers to the adorable couple!

To all the pozzie's out there, it's not the end of life, don't give up, always remember that your heart is still beating.

And one last thing... someone kissed me that night, nothing intimate just a smack on the lips. Want to know who? nah.. secret! :P

World AIDS Day!

Today is AIDS awareness day! Let us light a candle for those people who died of HIV/AIDS.

Every year of my 22years of existence (lol), I really don't give much priority to the celebration of W A D, I just wore a red ribbon pin because I was told to do so, not until now, this day is intended for pozzie's like me, it's like our November 1 or even Christmas? hehehe... It's our day of being remembered or even saying: Hey! we are HIV positive and we are still alive. Enough with the stigma, we are just like any normal people, enough with the discrimination, we just wanted to be accepted in the society.

My life as pozzie may not have been great but so far it's okay and getting better, I was happy that I've met friends like JUAN DELA CRUZ of Positive = Rebirth, LUCKY of Lucky 13, UBERMENSCH of d-ubermensch and also some other friends I've met on YOGA FOR LIFE especially MR.YOGI! Thank you for being there for me! Love you guys! Hope to gain more friends. 

Happy world aids day guys! Let's keep on fighting! :)

BTW, Do you know your status? If not, have yourself tested.

Single

My 1 year magnetic relationship just ended. I am also hurt but I think this will be the best of the both of us. Enough is enough, we tried so hard but we cant save this relationship anymore. We need to focus on our own lives now. Sorry but I wont shed another tear for you. I will be okay, I hope you are the same.

Happy Anniversary

11/08/2010

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BABY! We will have more years ahead of us!

THANK YOU for staying and loving from the start, I know, me having HIV is very difficult for you but we can get through anything. I LOVE YOU and I WILL PROMISE TO LOVE YOU MORE! MWAH! 

-sorry I was sick, lets do our celebration at our comming CEBU-BOHOL trip! love you forever!

I'm very LUCKY to have YOU! :)

Pride March 2010

Got this from http://www.taskforcepride.blogspot.com

 

The 2010 LGBT Pride March will be observed in the light of HIV AIDS World Awareness Day. The theme "One Love: Stop AIDS, Promote LGBT Human Rights, Keep the Promise" acknowledges the LGBT Community's proactive role in advocating HIV AIDS awareness.

The Manila Pride March gathers LGBT groups and individuals once a year to promote solidarity within and outside the community. It creates a safe space where LGBTs and their supporters can raise pressing issues. By tradition, Manila Pride March coincides with Human Rights week, to affirm the specific rights claims of the LGBT community.

This year’s theme, “One Love”, pushes for unity. The diversity of the LGBT community is apparent, but this diversity comes at the price of political differences as well. However, this year’s March encourages everyone to view those differences as celebratory instead of damaging; that those differences are merely proof of the community’s dynamism. “One Love” also looks at how it is still possible to see points of convergence and collaboration despite differences.

The schedule for December 4 will be as follows:

2:00 pm - registration

3:00 pm - formation

4:00 pm - 6:00 pm - Pride March

6:00 pm - 9:00 pm - HIV AIDS awareness and Diversity Advocacy

9:00 pm onwards - Solidarity and Pride celebration

For More info, visit http://www.taskforcepride.blogspot.com

For inquiries, please email us at taskforcepride@gmail.com

Status: DISCLOSED

I trust every person who I come out with my HIV status, I don't just come out to everyone because I don't know how will they react to it. Will they accept me? Will they continue to love me? Will they be disgusted? Too many factors is to be considered before telling a person you have HIV. Like what happened with my mom, she had a hard time accepting me, until now she's not 100% comfortable with it, we don't talk about it, she doesn't want me to explain everything to her, she doesn't want me to tell my dad, she doesn't want me to come out of the world because people might be scared, people might not come close or near me, that's how my mom took it, what if it was someone else who doesn't even know me?

Since I start blogging I've been talking or meeting fellow poz, disclosing my true identity is part of it, since they are poz as well I gave them my full trust and respect that my secret will be kept and their secret will be kept also (when someone comes out to me, it remains within me, not even my boyfriend knows about it). Going back to what happened on the day of my birthday, someone (let's call him X) who knows about my status outed me to his friend (let's call him Z), I didn't really mind it until I realized that since I was disclosed as HIV positive, person Z thought that my boyfriend was also HIV positive, there's a stigma attached to my boyfriend. THIS IS NOT GOOD, another person got involved, its like hitting two birds with one stone. 

I just wished that person X think twice before he quacks about someone else status, according Section 3 (b) (2) of Republic Act 8504 or the Philippine Aids Prevention and Control Act of 1998 provides that the right to privacy of individuals with HIV/Aids shall be guaranteed by the state. The damage has been done, maybe this time this issue has been passed to every person they know. This is a very private matter, it can ruin my life, my boyfriend's life and even my family's lives. I'm very hurt by this,  I TRUSTED YOU now it's just hard to trust anybody. I'm going to be more careful from now on. 

You can't turn back time. I just hope you realize now that what you did is wrong.

21 NO MORE!

I am now officially 22, and I have HIV!

Nothing special, the whole family is busy with campaigning so prior to that I planned to attend Yoga for Life at makati with my BF and BFF, it's our first time to attend YFL at makati, the place was different, the crowd was different although i see familiar faces who also attend the Wednesday group. Since it's my birthday I was the center of attention, the yogi's are very vocal about it. I was shy, I really don't like to be the center of attention, I was blushing, then the practice begun, they have this thing where you will do numbers of "sun salutations" corresponding to the celebrants age, it was very nice although it was very tiring, I can see others getting tired already, i felt a bit guilty but as a treat I baked brownies for them to eat afterward. Overall I was happy! Even though others are complete strangers and some who I already knew, they made my day special, especially Mr. Yogi who is always gives me a warm hug, lucky.trese was also there, finally after exchanging text messages and chatting on ym I finally got the chance to met him (sorry I was shy, never got the chance to really bond with you). Yoga was awsome!

After yoga, myself, bf, and bff went to MOM&TINA'S to have our early dinner, the food was great, we got the chance to bond again, the three of us are really close. While eating, BF received a text message from a friend asking if he had tested for HIV, because his friend told him that him that his partner(me) is POZ, I know this person has no bad intentions, he was just concerned with his friend(my bf) so I didn't really mind that because it's my birthday and I don't want to ruin it. The next day I asked some people who knew my status, if they told anybody about it...

To be continued...

22 Soon!

It seems everybody s excited for my special day, except for me, my friends keeps reminding that my birthday is coming up. They keep on asking what my plans are. Will I have a party? Well honestly I’m not that excited, I don’t know why. Last month I was planning to have a party, I was planning to celebrate my debut this year because I failed to celebrate last year due to I was hospitalized, my tonsils got removed. I’m turning 22 by the way, all of my plans change just a few weeks ago, when I told my mom about my status, she doesn’t want me to spend so much money on my party, she just wants me to save money for the future, she thinks I’m going die soon so I have to be prepared financially, although she has a point that I have to be financially prepared when that day comes. So I thought about how I will spend my birthday this year. I realized that every birthday I had is not for me, it’s for the pleasure of the people around me so I told myself this year it’s going to be different, this year my birthday is for myself, no party, no alcohols, nothing, just yoga on my birthday. I may sound selfish but I don’t care hehehe…

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

2 Heart Break in One Day

Oct 2, 2010
12am

Me and my bf got into a very big fight, i was very stressed, that I end up crying hard and having a nervous breakdown. He immidiately called my mom and rushed into my house with my 2 brothers, my face was very red, I wont stop crying untill my mom was able to calmed me down, she immidiately get my blood pressure and it was 151/127, lucky I didn't get stroked, they wanted to get me to a hospita but I refused, I accidentally I told my mom that I am HIV positive. She just stayed quiet because there are other people waiting outside, she ask me to stay over at our original house, in the morning I texted my mom to say sorry. She said I was a disappointment and a humilation to the family. She also told me that what were I thinking and that I am digging my own grave. I can feel she hates me, she always scolds me during that day, I can feel the tension, I was helpless, I end up crying and passing out again. Im giving my mom more time to accept and understand the situation, looking forward to bring our relationship back.

My bf was very supportive of me that day, he always tells me that he love's me very much, neither do i know he was doing "cyber sex" with 2 guys in the internet. I am more hurt, why did he chose to do those things when I am in a situation like this, I was very hurt, all this time I know he was worried at me, but he's not, he still managed to flirt with other guys when I am left alone in my room crying and longing for love. I don't know what to do anymore. We're going to have our 11th monthsary on oct 8 and our 1st anniversary on november. How will I cope with this.

:(

PS: Im sorry if this isn't making any sense, I lack inspiration to write and Im having trouble expressing how I feel.

Breathing and Stretching

I've never been so relaxed since I was diagnosed of HIV. Last week I got a message on my FB asking me to join YOGA FOR LIFE, since I was busy I wasn't able to join that week. Today I decided to give it a try, I brought along my BF and my BFF. We arrived at the building at 6:58 as we are waiting for the elevator a friend whom I met at PGH came, he was a regular so didn't we didn't had problem locating the place. I was nervous at first, I'm not really the sociable type, I'm too shy to start conversations, going to a room with people I don't know was scary, good thing I have my BF and BFF with me. We were just standing there when the yoga instructor welcomed us with a handshake, he was very warm, after introducing ourselves he ask us to get some mats and find our place. We just sat there as they explaining the concept of YOGA FOR LIFE, I'm happy that there is a community who helps POZZIES like me. It's the advance monthsary celebration they've been doing YFL for 4months now. We had a small game before we start to do our thing, it was fun, the game is a relay but not in a children party way, we used condoms for the activity its called "LICK" condoms with real flavors, it taste good! The game goes like this, we form a group of two, the first person blows the condom like a balloon then on the end you popped the balloon, you get another condom and put it in the banana fastest group wins and our group won, our price? the banana! They gave away free condoms too. My BF got a lot. hahaha! 

And so the activity starts, first with the proper breathing exercise, followed by some poses and then comes the stretching, I admit I'm not very flexible, I can't even reach my ankles so I really need a lot of help from the yogi's, as the activity goes on I realized that I've been sweating A LOT!!! I had to removed my eyeglasses to be more focused. It felt nice, very nice! I can feel the stress being breathe out of my body, I can feel that I'm getting more and more relaxed, I felt every pain as I stretched my worries away. Every drop of sweat from my body was worth it. Every air I inhaled to my body symbolizes a new hope. At the end of the session I received a HUG from Mr. yogi, I wonder does he know about my status? I'm happy I joined yoga for life. I really need this, I felt like a new person, a happier version of me. I am looking forward to doing more yoga.  We really had fun!

I DECLARE THAT WEDNESDAY IS YOGA DAY! :)

namaste!

Can HIV be Cured?

Here's a post from http://manilagayguy.net

The discoverer of HIV himself, 2008 Nobel Laureate Luc Montagnier, answers: “[Yes] I would think so.” [watch his video interview below]

This post is going to be controversial, I know, and if this leads to confusion I apologize in advance. I am, however, very much wondering about this topic. When I posted the letter of McVie and Carlo, I saw how several readers reacted with fear and (perhaps) trembling regarding being infected with HIV. Stats have been floated around saying the Philippines has succumbed to an epidemic-level spread of the virus. Nakakatakot. I even heard of several people, allegedly, committing suicide when they tested positive for HIV. I wonder, how much truth there is in this video interview. Of course, I would say always practice safe sex. My curiosity though lies in how people should handle the fear around having HIV. This is serious, as the fear sometimes kills even before the actual virus. Can HIV be really managed and eventually naturally cured by the body’s immune system, aided by proper nutrition and effective antioxidants? Watch this video and contribute your thoughts.

SOURCE: http://manilagayguy.net/2010/08/13/can-hiv-be-cured/

This video got me confused the first time i saw it, I was like "huh?" What does that mean? Can HIV be really cured? Can the virus just disappear from my body? As i was watching for the second time, I found my answer's. Armed with education, together with proper nutrition, good hygiene and strong immune system can decrease the chance of acquiring HIV, not  necessarily curing HIV, personally I don't think HIV can be cured, once its in your body it stays for good, it will just keep on multiplying, but with the help of Antiretroviral drugs, it slows down the virus from spreading into our body.

I'm still hoping that "cure" is on its way, but I'm not going to rely on it. The cure is found within myself, its how I keep my body healthy, the way I live my life, and the way i see things no matter how bad it is. :)

No ARV's for me yet

Last Wednesday me and my best friend went to PGH to have my check up and to start my ARV, i woke up 10am, took a shower, went to the bank then rushed off to the meeting place where my best friend is waiting. My best friend know about my status and she's positive about it, i didn't saw her cry not even one drop of tear, she just told me that we will conquer the world together. I brought her with me so that Dra. Z can educate her about what's happening to me. We arrived at exactly 1pm at SAGIP unit, there are many patients so we sat on the chair in the corridors, after a few minutes I knocked in the usual closed door of the room, a familiar face opened the doctor it wasn't nurse C, i was just staring trying to figure out who he was, he was staring also, then i saw nurse C and ask for Dra. Z, she told me to wait outside, then i figured out who he was, he was a guy who  i exchanged messages in planetromeo, i immediately texted him and then a few minutes he came out then sat next to me, after introducing ourselves, he gave me an intro about the med's I'm going to take because I was going to start my treatment on that day, then we shook hands he went back into the room, he was accompanying people who's gonna get tested for HIV (i hope they turn out negative). Then Dra. Z passed by,  I said "hi" she didn't notice me because I have a shorter hair. We walked into the room and checked me up, the usual she asked me how am I doing, she got my weight (58kg) checked my neck, etc... I am losing weight so she ask me to eat more. I told her I brought my best friend, I asked if she can come in, she said yes, a few intro and questions then she went out to get my med, after a few minutes she went back said "hindi ka pa magstart ng treatment hindi ako pinayagan ng consultant ko, nagtitipid kami ng gamot, saka mataas pa naman daw cd4(443) mo, ang next kuha mo ng cd4 sa feb, mag follow up check up ka na lang sa december ". I got confused because three weeks ago she was so sure that I am starting my treatments because of the new guidelines, now i don't know if this is a good or bad news. I just said okay and my check up is done, doc asked me to go out of the room so she can talk to my best friend after 10mins there done, 2:30pm we said goodbye to doc. I was hungry so we went to rob's ermita to eat, we also ask another friend to follow. We ate at pancake house then watched a movie, it was fun bonding with them, i was happy that my best friend knows about my status, she's very supportive, she texted me every to eat fruit, vegetables or to sleep early. She said we were like kris aquino and eric quizon in the movie "so happy together" or like "will and grace". I'm just so happy that our friendship became stronger than ever. Now I have my BF's to support me, my boy friend and my best friend, I am so BLESSED to have them.

It was "A HAPPY MONTHSARY"

Continuation of A HAPPY MONTHSARY...

That night i decided to give him what he wanted, yes, i decided to do "IT" with him again but in a very safe manner, we haven't done "IT" since i was diagnosed with HIV, I am nervous, I am scared, I can't hide the fact that he can be infected. I know he's been wanting this for the longest time, i wanted it also, i miss doing it, but I'm scared! Do I still know how to do it? It felt like I'm a virgin all over again. lol! I had to face my fear or else I might lose the person i love. So... there we did "IT" and I'm glad we did,  It was HOT, that moment was full of love and passion. I was so happy. He also told me that he'd stop meeting other people and to continue to love and support me forever, that everything will be okay, that's what i wanted to hear. I never felt happier. It was indeed A HAPPY MONTHSARY!

Baby if you're reading this...

I LOVE YOU. I always feel safe when you're at my side baby, just hold my hand and never let go. Thank you for everything! Happy 10th monthsary! I LOVE YOU! MWAH!