21 NO MORE!

I am now officially 22, and I have HIV!

Nothing special, the whole family is busy with campaigning so prior to that I planned to attend Yoga for Life at makati with my BF and BFF, it's our first time to attend YFL at makati, the place was different, the crowd was different although i see familiar faces who also attend the Wednesday group. Since it's my birthday I was the center of attention, the yogi's are very vocal about it. I was shy, I really don't like to be the center of attention, I was blushing, then the practice begun, they have this thing where you will do numbers of "sun salutations" corresponding to the celebrants age, it was very nice although it was very tiring, I can see others getting tired already, i felt a bit guilty but as a treat I baked brownies for them to eat afterward. Overall I was happy! Even though others are complete strangers and some who I already knew, they made my day special, especially Mr. Yogi who is always gives me a warm hug, lucky.trese was also there, finally after exchanging text messages and chatting on ym I finally got the chance to met him (sorry I was shy, never got the chance to really bond with you). Yoga was awsome!

After yoga, myself, bf, and bff went to MOM&TINA'S to have our early dinner, the food was great, we got the chance to bond again, the three of us are really close. While eating, BF received a text message from a friend asking if he had tested for HIV, because his friend told him that him that his partner(me) is POZ, I know this person has no bad intentions, he was just concerned with his friend(my bf) so I didn't really mind that because it's my birthday and I don't want to ruin it. The next day I asked some people who knew my status, if they told anybody about it...

To be continued...

22 Soon!

It seems everybody s excited for my special day, except for me, my friends keeps reminding that my birthday is coming up. They keep on asking what my plans are. Will I have a party? Well honestly I’m not that excited, I don’t know why. Last month I was planning to have a party, I was planning to celebrate my debut this year because I failed to celebrate last year due to I was hospitalized, my tonsils got removed. I’m turning 22 by the way, all of my plans change just a few weeks ago, when I told my mom about my status, she doesn’t want me to spend so much money on my party, she just wants me to save money for the future, she thinks I’m going die soon so I have to be prepared financially, although she has a point that I have to be financially prepared when that day comes. So I thought about how I will spend my birthday this year. I realized that every birthday I had is not for me, it’s for the pleasure of the people around me so I told myself this year it’s going to be different, this year my birthday is for myself, no party, no alcohols, nothing, just yoga on my birthday. I may sound selfish but I don’t care hehehe…

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

2 Heart Break in One Day

Oct 2, 2010
12am

Me and my bf got into a very big fight, i was very stressed, that I end up crying hard and having a nervous breakdown. He immidiately called my mom and rushed into my house with my 2 brothers, my face was very red, I wont stop crying untill my mom was able to calmed me down, she immidiately get my blood pressure and it was 151/127, lucky I didn't get stroked, they wanted to get me to a hospita but I refused, I accidentally I told my mom that I am HIV positive. She just stayed quiet because there are other people waiting outside, she ask me to stay over at our original house, in the morning I texted my mom to say sorry. She said I was a disappointment and a humilation to the family. She also told me that what were I thinking and that I am digging my own grave. I can feel she hates me, she always scolds me during that day, I can feel the tension, I was helpless, I end up crying and passing out again. Im giving my mom more time to accept and understand the situation, looking forward to bring our relationship back.

My bf was very supportive of me that day, he always tells me that he love's me very much, neither do i know he was doing "cyber sex" with 2 guys in the internet. I am more hurt, why did he chose to do those things when I am in a situation like this, I was very hurt, all this time I know he was worried at me, but he's not, he still managed to flirt with other guys when I am left alone in my room crying and longing for love. I don't know what to do anymore. We're going to have our 11th monthsary on oct 8 and our 1st anniversary on november. How will I cope with this.

:(

PS: Im sorry if this isn't making any sense, I lack inspiration to write and Im having trouble expressing how I feel.