A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

I know you are at the lowest point of your life, problems are getting into to you, you are in pain, you are lost and you can’t find the right way, you are confused, you are depressed and you feel unloved. You’re always wearing a mask, you’re trying to put up a tough exterior but you cry like a child when nobody is looking, you cry almost every night, embracing yourself and telling that everything will be alright, indeed you are right, things will fall into place, no matter how bad things are, just hold on, be strong, have faith, there are many people who loves you, just open your heart and let them in, you are not alone, they care about you, they want you to live so please have the courage to fight. Always remember the people that you loved most. Your friends, they might don’t know what’s happening to you but through thick and thin you can always count on them. You have your best friend who loves you very much, she not ready to lose you. She will fight with you she is always at your side. Your boyfriend, forgive him already, it’s not good for you to keep pain in your heart it will only make things worse, you know he loves you, he gave up so many things to be with you, to take care of you, you are his world now, he will do anything to keep you from harm, if only he can just get that virus from you he will. Value your relationship. Your family, they love you very much especially your mom, she might be angry now because she also in pain but she’ll learn to accept you. Your family will never leave you, they will be proud of you! And mostly GOD, his love is unconditional, he’s always at your side, just pray he will listen, he has a purpose for all this, this will make you a better person. Don’t think too much! Learn to accept the situation you are into, it’s too late to blame yourself. Just breathe! Remember everything will be okay! Keep on fighting! Your heart is still beating!

Love,

The Future Me

2 Heart Break in One Day

Oct 2, 2010
12am

Me and my bf got into a very big fight, i was very stressed, that I end up crying hard and having a nervous breakdown. He immidiately called my mom and rushed into my house with my 2 brothers, my face was very red, I wont stop crying untill my mom was able to calmed me down, she immidiately get my blood pressure and it was 151/127, lucky I didn't get stroked, they wanted to get me to a hospita but I refused, I accidentally I told my mom that I am HIV positive. She just stayed quiet because there are other people waiting outside, she ask me to stay over at our original house, in the morning I texted my mom to say sorry. She said I was a disappointment and a humilation to the family. She also told me that what were I thinking and that I am digging my own grave. I can feel she hates me, she always scolds me during that day, I can feel the tension, I was helpless, I end up crying and passing out again. Im giving my mom more time to accept and understand the situation, looking forward to bring our relationship back.

My bf was very supportive of me that day, he always tells me that he love's me very much, neither do i know he was doing "cyber sex" with 2 guys in the internet. I am more hurt, why did he chose to do those things when I am in a situation like this, I was very hurt, all this time I know he was worried at me, but he's not, he still managed to flirt with other guys when I am left alone in my room crying and longing for love. I don't know what to do anymore. We're going to have our 11th monthsary on oct 8 and our 1st anniversary on november. How will I cope with this.

:(

PS: Im sorry if this isn't making any sense, I lack inspiration to write and Im having trouble expressing how I feel.

No ARV's for me yet

Last Wednesday me and my best friend went to PGH to have my check up and to start my ARV, i woke up 10am, took a shower, went to the bank then rushed off to the meeting place where my best friend is waiting. My best friend know about my status and she's positive about it, i didn't saw her cry not even one drop of tear, she just told me that we will conquer the world together. I brought her with me so that Dra. Z can educate her about what's happening to me. We arrived at exactly 1pm at SAGIP unit, there are many patients so we sat on the chair in the corridors, after a few minutes I knocked in the usual closed door of the room, a familiar face opened the doctor it wasn't nurse C, i was just staring trying to figure out who he was, he was staring also, then i saw nurse C and ask for Dra. Z, she told me to wait outside, then i figured out who he was, he was a guy who  i exchanged messages in planetromeo, i immediately texted him and then a few minutes he came out then sat next to me, after introducing ourselves, he gave me an intro about the med's I'm going to take because I was going to start my treatment on that day, then we shook hands he went back into the room, he was accompanying people who's gonna get tested for HIV (i hope they turn out negative). Then Dra. Z passed by,  I said "hi" she didn't notice me because I have a shorter hair. We walked into the room and checked me up, the usual she asked me how am I doing, she got my weight (58kg) checked my neck, etc... I am losing weight so she ask me to eat more. I told her I brought my best friend, I asked if she can come in, she said yes, a few intro and questions then she went out to get my med, after a few minutes she went back said "hindi ka pa magstart ng treatment hindi ako pinayagan ng consultant ko, nagtitipid kami ng gamot, saka mataas pa naman daw cd4(443) mo, ang next kuha mo ng cd4 sa feb, mag follow up check up ka na lang sa december ". I got confused because three weeks ago she was so sure that I am starting my treatments because of the new guidelines, now i don't know if this is a good or bad news. I just said okay and my check up is done, doc asked me to go out of the room so she can talk to my best friend after 10mins there done, 2:30pm we said goodbye to doc. I was hungry so we went to rob's ermita to eat, we also ask another friend to follow. We ate at pancake house then watched a movie, it was fun bonding with them, i was happy that my best friend knows about my status, she's very supportive, she texted me every to eat fruit, vegetables or to sleep early. She said we were like kris aquino and eric quizon in the movie "so happy together" or like "will and grace". I'm just so happy that our friendship became stronger than ever. Now I have my BF's to support me, my boy friend and my best friend, I am so BLESSED to have them.

A HAPPY MONTHSARY?

Today i woke up crying and very depressed, this was supposed to be a "special day" for us, it's our 10th monthsary. This day was supposed to be happy and full of love. My boyfriend's status=NEGATIVE, thank you GOD! I prayed for months that in his next HIV test he will still be negative, and God answered my prayers. I wanted him to stay negative so I told him i wont have sex with him anymore, i don't want to undergo that process again carrying the guilt that i may or might have infected him. I told him that he can have sex with others instead. CRAZY right? The other night we were having a conversation about his possible sex date on Thursday, they are going to have sex in our house, so i have to sleep in my parents house that night, because his sex date doesn't know he's in a relationship, oh shit! how painful is it to be denied by someone you love? i felt my heart jump off my chest but I just stayed quiet the whole evening. That morning he felt that i was a little cold, not as sweet as i used to be, i was giving him a cold shoulder, my heart was in pain. I was sleeping when he got home i was a little drunk. He started yelling and screaming. He was very angry. He doesn't allow me to drink anymore it's bad for my health. Can you blame me? I wanted to release stress. I just stayed quiet. Then i got a text from my friend asking me to fetch her somewhere in Roxas blvd, she was drunk, no choice i had to go there, bf accompanied me because i was drunk as well but he's not talking the whole trip. After going to Roxas we dropped off my friend at her house and went straight home. Time: 2:30am. He's still mad, i went to him to make "lambing". We talked. Here's the conservation i remembered.

BF: sabihin mo lng kung nasasaktan ka ititigil ko na ito, naguguluhan ako sayo, ikaw naman pumiplit sa akin sa gawin ito tapos ngyn nagkakaganyan ka.

ME: dahil din naman sayo kung bakit ko naisip ito. nalulungkot ako pag tinatanggihan kita, ayoko na kc pagdaan ulit ung nafeel ko nung naghihintay ng 6months window period mo. ang saya saya ko na nung nagnegative ka. saka... I know you you need it and i know you want it. ndi ka naman papayag sa gusto ko kung ayaw mo tlga. tama ba ako?

BF: tama...

ME: see... alam ko gusto mo din kaya wag mo na ako insipin. natatakot lng ako na ma-inlove ka sa kanila at iwan mo ako.

BF: wla ka ba tiwala sa akin, init lng ng katawan un. ikaw lng mamahalin ko ndi kita iiwan.

ME: db dun din tayo nagsimula? sa init ng katawan? sabi mo pa nga bawal mainlove.

BF: sinabi ko lng un pero that time na-fa-fall na ako sayo, nilagyan ko lng limitations sarili ko. wla ka ba tiwala sa akin?

ME: meron, pero...

BF: naka-oo na kc ako, magmumukha naman ako walang isang salita.

ME: ...

BF: ndi ko nlng ipapaalam sayo para ndi ka masaktan.

ME: umiyak nlng.

I know, I'm crazy! I cried the whole night, i slept 6am this morning. I'm doing this because I LOVE YOU!

Now I'm asking myself... Is your happiness worth every heartbreak? Is it worth very tears?  Is it worth it? :(